Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Knowing is Half the Battle

Seriously, the more religious shit a person has on their car, the bigger an asshole they will be when they get behind the wheel.

One Jesus fish means they will never let you into traffic and will speed up to prevent you from changing lanes. When they flip you off, they'll claim to be pointing toward the Almighty, like every rapper at the Grammys.

Two Jesuses (Jesii?) means that they will slam on their brakes if they sense that you are following too closely in an effort to ensure that you will ram into their bumper. If confronted, they will claim that the dark angels must have moved from your soul into your field of vision.

An entire school of Jesus fish will result in your decapitated corpse being dragged the length of two football fields following the fiery crash that occurred when their unmanned Pontiac Rapture ran a red light and mowed you down while you just happened to be listening to Black Sabbath.

Trust me on this.

I live in North Carolina, right in the middle of the Bible Belt. My neighborhood is basically God's wallet chain. One BBQ place I frequent has a gigantic mural of Jesus holding out his bloody palms to a small CindyLou Who-looking girl who's asking, "Jesus, what happened to your hands?" Unless he burned them on the grill, that creeps me out.

"I'd like to make a reservation, please. Party of two for the Non-Stigmata section."

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