Monday, June 27, 2005

"Standing Tall on the Wings of My Dreams..."

God bless you if you recognize the title of that post as a snippet from the theme song of "Perfect Strangers."

I'm holding out for Balki on the big screen...why can't they turn that into a movie? DO YOU HEAR ME, MARK LINN-BAKER? CALL YOUR DAMN AGENT! I mean, every other TV show seems to be on its way to your local multiplex. I refuse to see any of them until I hear that at least one of the following have started production:

Perfect Strangers
ALF
Mr. Belvedere
Just the Ten of Us
Webster
The Golden Girls

And I'm only seeing Mr. Belvedere if they promise to exhume, stuff, and dress up the corpse of Christopher What's-His-Name to reprise his role. Nobody could yell at Wesley like he could. And you know Bob Uecker is available, unless he's dead too.

My former roommate and I had a Golden Girls drinking game, employed during the back-to-back episodes that have aired as part of Lifetime's primetime lineup since 1993. Participants are required to drink for each of the following:
Every time Rose mentions St. Olaf
Every time Dorothy says something sarcastic
Every time Blanche says something sexual
Every time Sophia mentions Sicily and as a BONUS, you drink twice if Sophia calls Dorothy "Pussycat."

I recommend having the paramedics on standby because you know that tramp Blanche will hurt you, after a heartfelt monologue about deflowering a young man named Beauregard beneath a maple tree on Daddy's sugar cane plantation. She may also use the phrase "pulsating man root".

Also beware any episode featuring Dorothy's estranged husband. Off the charts with the sarcasm, off the sofa with your drunken self.

Maybe I'm sharing too much.

Word of the day: slank: noun- a female who outwardly displays the qualities in manner and dress of both a skank and a slut, including but not limited to women over 40 who wear those shorts with names on the butt, as if they're proud to announce that they are continuing education students at Salem College, and you know damn well they've got the waistband rolled down so we can get the full view of their spindly ass and twice-divorced thighs; women with gigantic, misshapen breast implants (perhaps received as part of the divorce settlement or purchased with alimony checks)that give the impression that they have smuggled water balloons out of a child's birthday party; women over 40 who use Halloween as an excuse to wear their daughter's cheerleading uniform or dance recital costume to parties; women who hit on my boyfriend in front of me while displaying the qualities above; synonym: "sklut"

2 comments:

An A-List Celebrity said...

When Blanche says "pulsating man-root" you had to chug an entire 5th of vodka. I never did master that one. Stupid Blanche.

J-Money said...

When Sophia said "Hey, Pussycat, remember that pulsating man-root back in Sicily", advanced players were booting black tar heroin.