Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Birdhouse In Your Soul

1) Several people have located this page while searching for the term "intergalactic walrus". Mr. Cruise, please stop googling things. You're glib, Tom. You don't know the history of the intergalactic walrus. I do.

That paragraph alone should lead to more hits than a High Times convention...

2) My coworker and his wife have talked on the phone eight times today. She always sounds absolutely FRANTIC about something, and when she hangs up she shrieks, "Oh, I love you so much!" No kidding, every time, in the same tone of voice I would use if my boyfriend were being dragged off by the VietCong. Topics they have discussed include where she could find a costume that looked like something women would wear "in the time of Christ", a potential spider bite, how the only thing she feels like eating is yogurt, and (my favorite) how the cat keeps chewing its back and she's terrified it's going to gnaw through its spine.

I'm glad he keeps his phone's volume at the decibel level of a space shuttle launch. My mornings are so much brighter. Plus, I have a wonderful visual image of a Mary Magdalene clone with a cup of Yoplait, an inflamed arm, and a mangy cat with exposed vertebrae. That would be the best Highlights hidden picture puzzle ever.

3) I saw a GMC print ad with the tag line "Built to move just about any pile." Um, isn't that Metamucil's slogan?

I'm at Goodnight's tonight. Bring on the funny.

Some of you are saying, "Holy shit, I hope it's better than what you've just typed." And to that, I say, "You don't know the history of stand-up comedy. I do."


An A-List Celebrity said...

I've been thinking too hard about Goodnights the comedy club and Goodnights the waterproof underpants for children who wet the bed. How are the same? How are they different?


J-Money said...

Actually, I believe they're owned by the same company. It's also a smart decision to wear the Goodnights to Goodnight's, because the sheer power of the comedy will overwhelm your urinary tract. Remember, knowing is half the battle. Peeing is the other half.