Monday, July 18, 2005

Hello Monday.

1) We get radio stations in here that aren't available anywhere else in the world. I've tested it--you can't get them in my car parked right outside. There must be some sort of current flowing through the building, like the river of slime from "Ghostbusters 2". Seriously, there is one program that I believe is called "Celiac Chat" and it's basically two women always talking about what sorts of wheat products they can't eat and how they can substitute tissue paper or Miracle-Gro for flour in some of their recipes to prevent inflamed smaller intestines. For real, if I took a drink every time they said "inflamed" and "intestine", I would be dead by noon. There's also a station where a man discusses the merits of obscure Bible passages and ruminates on items that were left out of the Bible...you know, the Lord's B-sides and hidden tracks. Hopefully, this afternoon he'll have "Ruth-The Remix" or "Ezekiel-Unedited" for us...

I just learned that the EZ listening station is called "Lyte FM". Why? Why try to make the word "Lite" sound edgy? That's like Q-Tip advertising "Cottyn Swabz", yo.

2) Don't ever go to a pharmacy on Saturday mornings. I believe every nursing home within a 400 mile radius loads their residents into buses and drops them off there for the day, turning it into "Six Flags Over the Hill". I was in line behind a woman whose cart contained Depends, Poise pads, and a portable toilet thing. Why not just wear a sign that says "I am currently peeing on myself. Again. Please wear foot protection." I spent 15 minutes wishing I hadn't worn open-toed shoes and hoping that my life ends before I have to double bag myself in order to leave the house for an hour.

3) Has anyone in the world ever eaten at an IHOP during P.M. hours? Are they even open? I visited one post-show on Saturday night and seriously think the Jerry Springer show was holding auditions in the no-smoking section. Some guy had his 4 year old there, which makes me hope Social Services was waiting for him in the parking lot. Currently, you can add a funnel cake to any meal for only .99 cents, which really adds to the carnival-like atomosphere of the IHOP.

I love that it's the "International" house of pancakes. Looking at the waitstaff and the clientele, the closest they're getting to 'international' may be a day trip to Rome, Georgia.

4) Any time a comedy club owner says repeatedly "OK, well, you guys just keep drinking! Drinks are on the house! Keep drinking", it is short for "OK, well, just keep drinking because you're not getting paid because there are only 22 people here and 5 of them are comedians so I'm going to sedate you with alcohol so if you all confront me in the parking lot I'll have a chance to outrun you. Hey! Look over there! Something shiny!" And then he scurries off into the back to put a severed fingertip in his Lean Pocket and wonders if it looks authentic enough to warrant a lawsuit.

5) Honestly, I was glad to see Jack Nicklaus finally retire yesterday. His farewell tour has gone on longer than Cher's. Why do golfers insist on playing so long that someone has to prop them up on the first tee and remind them that no, that's not their ball, that's actually the marker for the tee box and if they could, to please stop hitting it. The Masters is the worst. They dust off and drag out these guys that won the 1834 British Open, guys who still refer to their clubs as "mashies" or "niblicks" and remember playing with balls made of lambskin and dodo feathers. You never see them after the first tee though. A guy in a "Ranger" shirt straps them into a cart and they are then taken onto the course and buried in a bunker. That's why they're so anal about the raking--somebody digs too deep, you'll find Lew Worsham or Doug Ford or something

Mark my words: whichever LiverSpot hits the ceremonial first shot at Augusta next year (which everyone pretends is majestic, even though he's just knocked the ball off the tee and onto his shoe) will have been put down before Vijay Singh is off the driving range. Until then, he'll be at Eckerd every Saturday from 9 to 3.

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