Monday, July 11, 2005

Lifetime is the Right Time

I'm ready to make the leap to the big time. I'm ready to write for Lifetime movies. Seriously, half the songs on the office EZ listening station sound just right (read: depressing as hell) for the pivotal scene in a film, tentatively titled "Murderous Passion in the Secret Shadows of the Hamptons". Seriously, all Lifetime movies can be named by selecting a word from the first to columns below, adding the words "of the" and a word from the final column:

For example: "Twisted Passions of the Heart" or "Fatal Vows of the Body".
Picture it: Paul Davis' "I Go Crazy" plays softly in the background as "Reba", a woman too beautiful, intelligent and empowered to be in such a horrible relationship walks through a parking garage wearing a silk shirt and sensible A-line skirt, reflecting on the fight she had with her boyfriend "Michael", a struggling musician. He was lapsing back into his drug addiction and had raised a hand to her just before burst out of his apartment shouting, "You're not a has-been, Michael! You're a never were!" She then found herself alone in this garage at 3 a.m., fighting an eating disorder, a tumor, and looking for her abducted younger sister.
The next five minutes include her alcoholic mother, her abusive stepfather, an affair with her daughter's cheerleading coach, some ill-advised plastic surgery, a brief turn as a stripper, a night as Tori Spelling, successfully opening her own legal practice/hair salon, some stolen embryos, a sex-change operation, a car crash, a fight with a coworker that turns fatal, someone falling through a plate glass window, an appearance by Susan Lucci, a young lover who ends up dead in her swimming pool, and then a typed synopsis that reads:
"Reba emerged from this cocoon of terror a beautiful butterfly. She went on to write for Vanity Fair and adopted her sister's children. She opened a women's shelter and later became a Supreme Court Justice and the first female pope. She is currently 149 years old."
"Michael's prosthetic arms made it impossible for him to fend off his attackers in the prison laundry. He died penniless and alone. His body was immediately incinerated and his still-smouldering corpse was covered in that stuff that janitors put on vomit in elementary school hallways."


Angelina said...

lol! Never though about Lifetime Movies that way, but I can see where you're coming from.

The Bird Man said...

Me too. I love Lifetime soooo much. It is way better than Oxygen and Spike TV combined.

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.