Tuesday, July 05, 2005

"P" is for "Passive-Aggressive"

OK, my favorite coworker is back to insane decibel levels of the EZ listening station and I am just about Gloria Estefan'ed out. Every time he goes to the bathroom I turn it down and every time I leave, he turns it back up. I have tried unsuccessfully to drown it out with Notorious B.I.G. but that just causes him to sigh deeply and/or clear his throat with every curse word (read: every 1.4 seconds).

Oh, screw you Josh Groban. Dear Chuck Palahniuk: Could you please enlist Josh Groban as a character in your next novel? And could he meet an untimely end with an exhaust pipe, some bingo cards, and a rabid pigeon? Thanks! Love, J-Money.

ITEM! I have ID'ed the Phantom Shitter. I am the only woman in my office and our building is empty most of the time so I was always perplexed when I walked in and the scent smacked me in the face with the force of 1,000 devils. So, after Deer Park water #4 (hydrate or die, bitches) I walked in and heard the furious rustling of someone trying to zip up and bolt. And out she walked, a squat creature that looked very much like Mrs. Gorg from Fraggle Rock, and she reeked as though she'd grilled and eaten both Wembley and Gobo. I don't think she works in this building. Actually, I'm not sure she works, period. You can't have a day job and consume enough human flesh to make me wish I could just brick that half of the office off, Cast of Amontillado-style.

Apologies to Jackie Harvey.

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