Monday, August 01, 2005

'Cause Zygotes are Sexy

Disturbing Song Lyrics: Bryan Adams edition
Welcome back to the work week, which means more mind-numbing soft rock. They just played that hardcore song "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" or some combination of the words "Love", "Woman", and "You", which could be any song from the WMAG playlist with the exception of the ones by Elton John, because, well, you know...

Anyway, it was the theme song from "Don Juan DiMarco", a Johnny Depp movie from the period of his career known as "the Arena League Years", when he was past his college playing days (21 Jump Street, "Edward Scissorhands") but hadn't been picked up by an NFL team yet ("That Keith Richards-as-a-Pirate Movie", "Charlie, the Chocolate Factory, and Neverland Ranch"). "Don Juan" and "The Astronaut's Wife" are the cinematic equivalent of the Barcelona Dragons. Moving on...

That song has a lyric that says "When you see your unborn children in her eyes/You know you really love a woman." Um, no, when you start seeing pupils-as-fetuses, you've taken the brown acid. If a man looked at me and referenced seeing anything in my eyes other than allergy-induced redness, I would kick him in the teeth. No questions asked.

Who writes shit like that? Bryan? Even if you're seeing the kids as 4 or 5 year olds, staring at your lover and seeing children's faces etched on their retinas is a little too "Omen"-like.

Nothing is hotter in bed than a man calling out baby names. "Oh yeah, right there, hey, what about Austin? Do you like Austin? Do that 'bout Kelsey if it's a girl?"

On an unrelated note, nothing is a bigger ball of suck than having a rainy ass weekend and then on Monday morning watching the sun come up at about 3:30 a.m., mocking you. Stupid life-sustaining star.

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