Friday, August 05, 2005

Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude

In an ever changing world, there are only a few things we can count on: that Ted Kennedy's head will always increase in size and girth, that you can actually hear Ryan Seacrest getting gayer, that comedy clubs will always put a fake brick wall onstage, and that Al-Qaeda videos will always be shot in front of a big rock with a bunch of machine guns in the background.

Where the hell do they tape these things? It looks like they're sitting on Big Thunder Mountain at Disney World, although surely someone else standing in line would notice the tall guys in turbans with the Handycam and the automatic weapons...unless they just thought they were extras from the "Aladdin" dinner show. Actually, most people at amusement parks are so focused on either not dying of heat stroke, contracting food poisoning from the homemade tartar sauce at Cap'n Crazy's Shrimp-n-Scurvy Buffett, or trying to resist making mean faces at the triplets sitting in the SiblingStroller(TM) until they cry to notice that the Grand Dragon of Al-Qaeda is taping a live remote from Frontierland.

As someone who has witnessed her mother laying face down in a tulip garden at Busch Gardens following an unpleasant incident involving garlic bread and a ride on the Pirate Ship, I can attest to this.

All I'm asking is for a little set decoration from these people. They can mastermind all sorts of criminal activity and manage to be the scourge of society, but they can't purchase a little bookcase, a fern, a desk or something to make it a little less rustic?

If Al-Qaeda's Line Producer happens to be reading this, I have two words for him: PARTY CITY. I fully expect to see two inflatable palm trees, a pinata, and a Parrothead hat. Show us your silly side, would you? It's always anger, anger, anger at the infidels, which frankly gets a little boring.

Secondly, why is the term "mastermind" only applied to evil pursuits? You always read about "terrorist masterminds" or "criminal masterminds" but where are the all the "butterfly collecting masterminds" or the "macrame masterminds"? I know they're out there somewhere and I sure wish USA Today would write about them...or maybe just do a pie chart.

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