Thursday, August 11, 2005

Good Charlotte, NC

Oh yeah kids, my comedy career has taken me to Mecklenburg County… On Tuesday night, my stack of John Mellencamp CDs and I (because I too know what it’s like to be riding high in the Rumbleseat) drove to the Comedy Zone in Charlotte to audition for the Carnival Comedy Challenge. The winner of the competition would receive a paid gig on a Carnival ship, a destination I have longed for ever since I saw those commercials with Kathie Lee Gifford singing “If they could see us now/Out on a Fun Ship Cruise/Words, words, words, words/I believe she completed the rhyme with the word ‘choose’!” K-Giff made it look awesome. And Carnival was totally the best “Wheel of Fortune” sponsor ever, surpassing both Kwai Garlic Supplement and Eggland’s best eggs.

So Tuesday was audition night and it was a rough. Imagine that you’ve been hired to beat the shit out of Mr. Peanut…at the George Washington Carver Memorial Celebration. That’s the level of awkwardness that occurs when performing to a room full of comedians. But somehow, I was one of the twelve finalists selected out of seventy auditionees to perform last night, putting me one step closer to my Fun Ship Fantasy…

Fade in. The Finals. Twelve comedians, one Carnival Fun Ship. I wish Fox would turn that into a reality show. Maybe in the process we could find a new singer for INXS or locate a new arm for Def Leppard’s drummer. The lineup was chosen at random and I was batting #5, right in the heart of the order. And holy crap, the other guys (and woman) were killer. All of the others were professional comedians—I’m the only one with a day job, at least until upper management realizes how much of my time is spent reading Vibe magazine and wondering if anyone in the word can ever solve those 'Cryptoquote' puzzles from the paper. How the hell does “XA43DEvjU@*^1” translate into “Longfellow”?

They had an "American Idol" format which meant there was a panel of judges at the front of the house who offered comments and suggestions after your set and then immediately were solicited by Corey Clark.

Brief "American Idol" note- I admit it. I think Simon Cowell is smokin’ and if I ever bumped into him at Big Lots, I would totally try to seduce him. I read that he’s slept with 200 women but I’m unsure what kind of woman would stick around for the post-coital analysis where he’d wrap himself up in his (black) sheets and say something like, “That was absolutely dreadful. I would rather spend time alone with a jar of Noxema and some clothespins than to ever endure that again. You make me wish that at the 11th week of gestation, I’d developed a second X-chromosome so I would have never been sexually attracted to a malignancy like you.” At least he has that hot accent.

So my set was pretty solid, despite the fact that I was more nervous than Rafael Palmiero holding a specimen cup. The audience laughed, which is awesome. The judges represented several of the major national comedy club chains, Carnival Cruises, and Jagermeister (which I have represented during several altercations with my neighbors). They all gave positive feedback and said that I was doing incredibly well for someone who was this early in her career. The phrase “you’ll go a long way” was used and I was told that I had lots of potential. Cool. I also spoke with a couple of clubs who told me to call them in a few months when I had some more experience. I’ll definitely take them up on it, the whole time hoping it won’t be like when my friends’ older brothers would tell me to call them when I got to college so I would and they’d feign interest by saying things like “Um, good to see you t—uh, why do you still collect baseball cards?” or “Hey, I really thought you’d have breasts by now”. Seriously, here’s hoping I’ll get some work out of this down the road.

I didn’t win. No Fun Ship. Not even an Ennui Ship or a Jaded Ship. But I did get a duffle bag and a “Deuce Bigalo: European Gigolo” t-shirt, so I’ve got that going for me. Actually after my set I wasn’t really thinking about winning anymore, because I was so wicked stoked (hello, 1993!) to be a finalist. I know what you’re thinking: “That’s the kind of shit losers say.” But seriously, I’m still in my first few months of Funnytime so I went into the finals feeling like the Permian High School Mojo, baby…I know I’m totally outmatched by Midland Lee, but dammit, I’m going to bring all I got, cause I’m not a quitter. And then Tim McGraw threw his class ring at me and kicked my ass.

Two notes:
1. Thank you to both of Billy Bob Thornton’s fans for understanding the last sentence. I heart “Friday Night Lights”
2. That is the same logic that led me to eat an entire ½ lb bag of Reese’s Pieces last weekend.

All in all, it’s been a good week. My first ever corporate gig is tomorrow which is leading to my first ever stay at a Red Roof Inn. I’ve got some material to work on...
Today's clue is : FAE#59bV!k = Pythagorus.


An A-List Celebrity said...

Fuck WINNING you got a EUROPEAN GIGOLO T-SHIRT. That can not be beat. Except maybe by a certain purple kitten t-shirt that Uncle Conor and I picked up for you at Dollar General. I'm just saying.

Also you are my favorite up and coming comedy rockstar EVER.

J-Money said...

In my home I still prominently display a picture of the two of us, in which I am wearing that very t-shirt and you are displaying a bottle of "Fat Bastard" wine. The kitten shirt is the best ever...I may wear it tonight.