Friday, August 19, 2005

Insert Loverboy Song Title Here

OK first I would like to acknowledge the insane amount of people who have located this blog by searching for "passive aggressive". Kudos also to the person who googled "IHOP Funnel Cake Recipe". I can't tell you how many times I've gone to IHOP and wished that there was some way for me to recreate that experience in my own home. Or how many dinners have been trashed after my version of the Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity failed to reach the standards set by the International House. Apparently, it just doesn't taste right unless it's being served by a toothless woman with a tattoo of Dale Jr. on her forearm who is one more Goody's powder away from an overdose and who regards her apron as an essential culinary tool, much like a cast iron skillet, and cannot ever wash it, lest it loses some of its "flavor".

I also enjoy the Cracker Barrel, where occasionally you are seated and served by what appears to be a 4-star General. Sometimes I'm terrified to eat there, because in the case of an earthquake, tornado, or other natural disaster, the antique pitchforks, hacksaws, and pickaxes that provide the decor could fall and impale me, and that would be one undignified way to die. I pray that my life doesn't end within 50 feet of a bin full of Saltwater taffy, a John Deere music box, or a clearance priced Big Mouth Billy Bass.

And now, Starbucks. They have to be enjoying the ridiculous gas prices. Crude oil is now so expensive, it makes paying $7.32 for a cup of coffee seem like a reasonable thing to do. I rarely visit Daddy Starbucks because 1) I'm not a fan of warm beverages and 2) I hate hipsters (which is the same reason I have an aversion to Che Guevara. I did see a guy wearing that ubiquitous C-Guev t-shirt and the caption read "I have no idea who this is". Thank you, sir. P.S. I would appreciate if someone would stab me in the thigh for using the word 'ubiquitous'.) Anyway, I went the other day, mainly to feel better about myself because I'm not one of the girls currently staring out onto US-311, writing poems and wondering what rhymes with "empty".

So I order the "Venti", hating myself for not referring to it as a small or whatever and the barista (or as I like to call them, "the Duke graduates") actually corrects me and says, "It's pronounced Benti." No, Josh, I believe it's prounounced Buck you and the Dodge Stratus you rode in on. You're wearing an apron with your name stitched on it-- you cannot POSSIBLY be condescending...at least not until you've earned at least 3 stars or sold four "Little Rascals" DVD sets.

Anybody know where I can get some AAA batteries? This singing fish is awesome. "Take me to the river..." Damn, that's clever.

1 comment:

The Bird Man said...

Duke Sucks!