Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Paradise by the Desk Lamp

OK, I love me some Sitemeter. Someone actually googled "Cryptoquote Longfellow". Perhaps that person can explain to me how what looks like a regurgitated Wheel of Fortune clue can be unscrambled into an obscure passage from Titus Andronicus. Or how someone can type Titus Andronicus without giggling about the word "Tit".

My handsome boyfriend and I went to visit his parents this weekend for his mother's 84th birthday. Actually, if I were 84, I would eat a damn Carvel cake every single day but that's beside the point. Anyway, his father (a youthful 81) had a list of things for me to do, including installing their Bellsouth DSL hardware. It's amazing to me that his parents are 30 years older than mine, yet have a better grasp of technology. My mother refuses to sit within 4 feet of the computer screen not because of the eyestrain but because she's afraid she's going to be sucked into the internet. I wish I were kidding.

I spent about an hour in his father's home office installing all the computer bits and while I was waiting for the software to load, I started perusing his gigantic bookshelf. His dad is quite the coin collector and 98% of the shelves were loaded with books on the value of coins dating back to, uh, like when his other car was a Stegosaurus. Then I noticed at the far left of the middle shelf a gigundo volume entitled "Secrets to Great Sex". Right beside it was a smaller title, "Better Public Speaking". After being creeped out on an epic "Shining"-like level, it began to make sense, cause if I were 84 and still having sex (forget great sex, just anything even slightly involving friction with another person who was not my caregiver or an undertaker) I would tell absolutely everyone about it.

Sample dialogues:

Him: May I help you?
Me: I am 84 and am able to have sex. Yes, that kind of sex.
Him: This is the post office.
Me: A book of stamps and more sex, please.

Her: Welcome to Fresh Market. What can I get for you?
Me: A willing partner.
Her: Excuse me?
Me: Because I'm 84 and still having sex. With others.
Her: Would you like to try our tortellini salad?
Me: Are those shells stuffed?
Her: Yes.
Me: Cause I've recently had my shell stuffed. With sex.

Yeah, that was nasty.

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