Sunday, September 18, 2005

A Sticker Born Every Minute

I’ve had it with the return-address labels. It started with the American Lung Association (A-Lung, if you’re into that Stuart Scott nicknaming thing) who used to send me 500 tiny labels all adorned with pictures of cardinals (the birds, not the Catholics…although, oddly enough when I was a little kid and would have to attend mass every Sunday, they would encourage us to pray for the Cardinals, at which point I would go home and dump out my Topps cards and earnestly bless St. Louis’ baseball team. For some reason, I always spent extra time on Bruce Sutter. I was a dipshit.) Besides, what do cardinals have to do with healthy lungs? Cigarettes do a lot of weird shit, but I have yet to see a smoker cough up a bird.

Confidential to RJ Reynolds- Could you please make this happen?

Regardless, it’s totally out of control and now every organization that could possibly want a donation now sends tons of tiny labels, all with clip art pictures that I do not want my creditors to associate with me. Although maybe if the Visa people see the horribly drawn bald eagles (they sort of look like Snuffleupagus) provided to me by the VFW, they’ll be stirred by such a sense of patriotism (or pity) that they’ll waive my late fees. (On a related note, you know your credit card bill is out of hand when you really need your finance charges to be broken down into monthly payments.) Either that or they’ll see the shitty little fire truck drawn by a Special Olympian (not a gold medal winner in the Art category, obviously) and know that my debt should be erased since I obviously can’t afford a ball point pen to write my own address and must rely on those tasteful little gems.

Anyway, I guess I kind of understand their rationale. They want you to make a donation, so they’re making it easy for you by saving you 3 seconds and potential carpal tunnel syndrome by eliminating the need for you to write your personal information. If they really want to help me out, how bout they send me 500 stickers that look like twenty dollar bills? And maybe the kid that draws the trucks and the eagles could be exempt from that project. I think that these organizations should help themselves: maybe instead of mailing hundreds of thousands of address labels, they should just use that money to, um, support their causes. Who still sends letters anymore, anyway? You’re truly on the cutting edge, VFW. Maybe next month, you could send me some Betamax tapes or a steam locomotive, or some serfs for my feudal plantation. Actually, the check is in the mail, if you promise to hack up a cardinal.

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