Friday, September 16, 2005

Take Care of Yourself and Each Other

OK, it's Friday night and I'm at home, drinking a glass of milk, wearing my free Sports Illustrated long-sleeved t-shirt (in their default size, 4XL, because apparently no one smaller than Mount Saint Helens gives a shit about sporting events) and watching the Red Sox game. My sexiness knows no bounds. The worst part is that if the game had been rain delayed, I was going to watch part of my 12 DVD set of last year's ALCS and World Series...after explaining to my handsome boyfriend that no, ALCS is not what killed Lou Gehrig. I wish I were kidding. Seriously though, the day that box set came in was the greatest day of all time. Those discs are like porn to me--Spectravision can keep "Searching for Bobby Fister".

Is there any greater tribute to a motion picture than when an adult film bastardizes its title? And why do I know that an actor named Dick van Dyke was in both "Titty Titty Bang Bang" and "Cherry Poppins"? Take that, imdb.com.

Moving on... Jerry Springer sometimes disappoints me. Why can't he put together an entire show that stays on topic? I mean, he'll have 4 couples that dress as cocker spaniels and spank each other with loaves of bread and then randomly the final guest will be a transvestite and its lover. C'mon Jerry, if you can find 6 people who have sex with trees, surely you can fill the whole hour without having to tag on a love triangle involving three Klansmen. (Suggested adult film title: "KKGay") I really think he's at the point of his career where he can't be shocked by anything. In fact, I'm not sure he has human emotions. He's like Data from Star Trek or Johnny 5 from "Short Circuit", without having to hang out with Steve Guttenberg.

Does anyone else think of that Guttenberg anytime the Guttenberg bible is referenced? Because sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Three Men and a Baby, Police Academy, AND a printing press? Damn, that guy is GOOD." And why does everyone in the world remember that Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin? Does anyone have a clue what the cotton gin is? And was Cotton Weary the worst name for a movie villain ever? Discuss...

OK, Rick Sutcliffe was just talking about A's 3rd base coach Ron Washington who apparently lost his home during Hurricane Katrina. Tragic, yes, but then Mr. Sutcliffe said that Washington was building a new home, a 5 bedroom one, in which he and his wife would live and he would also invite--and I quote--"all of his parents to live with him". If you need four bedrooms to house your parents, then I believe there's a Jerry Springer episode waiting for you, too...right after that woman who screwed a pine tree.

OH! Speaking of dead wood, congrats to Kevin Federline for producing yet another child.

In honor of Britney's baby, I like to think that somewhere in a television studio in Chicago there's a pre-operative transsexual dancing to herself, singing "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman." Because that would be off the charts with the awesomeness...

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