Monday, October 31, 2005

I Heart the Boomtown Rats. But Not Mondays.

I was reading a magazine with a headline that said “Always Tired? Diabetes Could Be the Cause.” Right. I love how magazines (and the local news…this means you, Ben Salt) try to whip people into a frenzy by doing stories like “Eating Three Times a Day? You Probably Have Cancer.” or “Do You Blink Your Eyes? You Have a Brain Tumor.” or, the most accurate, “Getting Medical Advice from Glamour? You’re Definitely Retarded.” Call me crazy, but I rarely take seriously any health information sandwiched between articles like “Turn Him On With a Flyswatter” and “I Whipped Bulima- By Star Jones”.

Also, I overheard someone today (we'll call him Freakshow) talking about how he and his family were going to eat dinner by candlelight tonight so they could turn all the lights out to prevent any trick-or-treaters from stopping at their house. I hope that rather than set a bag of dog shit on fire on his porch, someone sets him on fire. A 2 pound bag of KitKats are about $2.50 at Harris Teeter--isn't that a small price to pay for not having to scrape poop out of your birdhouse tomorrow or put a piece of cardboard over the nasty phrase someone scraped into your car, just like Cary Elwes had to do in that movie where Alicia Silverstone was obsessed with him, enough to attack his girlfriend with bees and take used condoms out of his trash? Am I the only one who watched that? Anyway, I swear if I knew where this guy lived, I would hand out fliers with his address on them, pointing out that he's not out of town, he's just cheap. And deserves to have to stomp out a flaming pile of Alicia Silverstone movies.

I wish I had some trick-or-treaters, just because I'd love to see their faces light up when I gave them each their very own tampon.

1 comment:

ashley said...

Is it sad that I love your stuff so much that I visit the archives just for my daily "fix"?

Please write a book. Or a show. Just write more!