Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Is That a Lump of Coal in Your Pocket?

Or are you just happy to see me?

Yesterday we visited the North Pole. Well, not the actual North Pole because I think that's floating on an iceberg or sticking out of the top of the earth like a flagstick on the 14th green. But we did go to North Pole, AK. And yes, Santa Claus' house is there. I even peed at the McDonald's on Santa Claus Lane. We saw Santa's reindeer, which the other guys tried to keep me away from... I think they were afraid I would start to gnaw on Blitzen's leg. Santa's House is right beside Santa's RV Park where the motto is "Jolly RV'ers Love Spending the Night with Santa's Elves!" Somehow, I thought Santa's property values would be a little higher. I guess with all the livestock and the elven sweatshop, it's probably zoned as a business. But still. Now I'm going to think of both a public restroom and an RV park when I hear various Christmas carols.

There were a variety of businesses there, including North Pole Chinese which seemed wrong. Although if FaLaLa were my waiter, I'd probably go. No 'Santa's Little Strip Club'...and they're missing out on a marketing bonanza. "Home of the Original Ho-Ho-Hos!" could so be on the sign. North Pole Dances, Santa's Lap Dances...seriously, why hasn't someone done this? I'm writing a letter to the Chamber of Commerce. And once again, an Elementary School Sing-a-Long has been ruined. "Here Comes Santa Claus"? Gross.

Also went to downtown Fairbanks which made me wonder why Alaska has so many meth users. I couldn't imagine wanting to stay awake any longer than I had to up here. Anchorage, though, was super fun. But of Alaska's 620,000 population, pretty much half of them live in Anchorage. The others are scattered about, one to a town. I can't wait to see the guy who lives in Sitka.

We just missed seeing the Aurora Borealis last night. We set a "Northern Lights" call at the front desk but by the time we got downstairs they'd faded. So we just stood in the field feeling stupid and looking like Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin. I'm sure the front desk staff just do this to visitors. "Hey Josh, yeah, room 342's standing outside like a schmuck. Let's go get a cigarette."

Headed to Clear Air Force Station today. Traveling by van, which for some reason always makes me feel like a kidnapped child.

It is beautiful in Fairbanks. The landscapes, the river, the sunsets. All I need is a unicorn to scamper through a field and it would be perfect. Wonder if they taste like reindeer?

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