Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Love Is An Effing Battlefield

So I had a date the other night. I mean, it shouldn’t be so noteworthy. I’ve had plenty of dates lately…of course those “dates” consisted of me following attractive men around Harris Teeter until they feel uncomfortable enough to put down the bag of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and walk out of the store, VIC card savings be damned.

Yes, my four loyal readers, I had a date. One. And it’s yet to be seen if there will be another. (With the same guy, I mean. Obviously, I'll have the chance to offend or alienate additional men in the future.) The date ended with a cliffhanger, not unlike the series finale of ALF where he’s standing in the tractor beam of the spaceship, wondering if he should get back in the Tanner family station wagon or return home to Melmac. My date was ALF and I’m hoping that my Willie Tanner was enough to lure him back into my garage, tempted by the lure of my cat, Lucky.

OK, I just re-read that last sentence and that just proves on several levels why it’s remarkable if someone of the opposite sex talks to me anywhere outside of a tollbooth window.

Regardless, as a service to you, I’d like to provide a list of things not to mention on a first date. Or any date, really. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments section.

-- “My nickname in high school was ‘The Yeast Beast’.”
-- “Did I tell you about that time an AIDS patient bled in my mouth?”
-- “Why don’t they use rectal thermometers anymore? They're so much more comfortable.”
-- “Lifetime is making a movie about my childhood. It's called "Uncle Pete and the No-No Place”
-- “And that was my first miscarriage.”
-- “I never clean. In my culture, maggots are a sign of prosperity.”
-- “One of these days I’m going to finish my degree from the University of Phoenix-Online.”
-- “Sure I could eat another person if I was hungry enough. You look like you’d have tasty marrow.”
-- “Would you like to see the parts that my bathing suit covers?”

Thank me later. Or just buy me a bag of Pizza Rolls.


Anonymous said...

"I have a great time planned. This is my wife, Beryl, and our photographer Dennis. Now sign this form and take off your clothes, and we'll get started."

Mike G said...

I'm a guy, but I think that these can go both ways:
"I know it's big, but it's benign"
"You're a tree hugger too? I thought I was the only dendrophiliac in town!"
"They're just zits/cold sores"
"Don't worry though, my herbalist cured it a long time ago. WHO just hasn't caught on yet."
"Sorry, that stuff about your eighth grade math went right over my head!"

I don't know if you actually read these comment, or if anyone does really, but if one lonely day in your lonely house you happen to spend the day browsing your lonely comments with a lonely bottle of Tanqueray, please come take a look at the blog I'm involved (sexually) with, the Tea Collective. The story of the blog is that my friends and I were all sad that some of us were leaving and some were staying after highschool so we started a blog to talk about the hilarious and most times depressing life of college/university. If you need more persuasion, we are all pretty smart, so there's no : " and he was all like, 'booyah,' and I was all like, 'no shit, huh?'" Hopefully you'll find it funny ad not depressing. I love you, alot, for being the only genuinely funny person on the web. Thank you.