Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Best Part of Waking Up...

Is cleaning Folgers' grounds out of your toe webbing after you spill an entire can of Dark Roast onto the kitchen floor. But the smell of coffee as you shake it out of the Raid ant baits beside the refrigerator is so exhilarating.

First question of the day:
Really, how many more blades can they put on a razor?
I assume that when the Gillette Gigashaver slices off the top two layers of skin, that would probably eliminate that pesky hair growth problem. A close shave, yes...close to your face bones. But comfortable? Even with the 18 pound Aloe strip, probably not so much.

Obviously, the multi-bladed razor is in keeping with the incredible advances in technology we've seen over the past 100 years.

(Here's where you should start the slide show. I'd really like it to be narrated by a guy who uses old-timey words like 'swell' and 'hip' and 'why can't we still have Clinton as our president?')

A title slide goes here. Then...

1903- The Wright Brothers invent the airplane, leading to the most boring tourist attraction ever at Kitty Hawk. Planes are nice and all, but everything you need to know about their invention can be found on the North Carolina license plate.
1923- Clarence Birdseye invents frozen vegetables, laying the groundwork for the discovery of Skillet Sensations 60 years later.
1928- Jonas Salk discovers Penicillin, following the discovery of an odd rash on his daddy parts after attending the 1st annual Sorority Rush.
1932- Polaroid instant photography is invented allowing someone to dress like Pocahontas and pose seductively without having to hang on to the film until 1974 when a Photomat opens down the street.
1934- The Monopoly game is produced, forcing generations of children to realize it's the most boring shit in the world and the only good use for the game is to scatter the pieces beside the bed of their younger sister so that she wakes up to the sharp pain of a tiny Scotty dog imbedded in the sole of her foot. Or maybe it was the sewing machine. Either way, it was hilarious.
1943- Jethro Tull invents the Aqualung.
1947- Tupperware is invented, creating a need for pot roast. I have a great recipe for leftover pot roast. I'm pretty sure that's the only way you can prepare it.
1955- Tetracycline is developed and my mother says it's to blame for our neighbor's nasty brown teeth. No word on what caused him to be a douchebag.
1970- Alan Shugart creates the Floppy Disk. Mrs. Alan Shugart claims he's had it since their wedding night. She sobs and puts her Pocahontas costume on, but it's all for nothing.
1978- The Jarvik-7 artificial heart is developed. It only works intermittently until it is upgraded to the Jarvik 7-11, which is operational 24 hours a day.
1983- Cabbage Patch Kids are sold.
1984- Consumers realize that Cabbage Patch Kids are the ugliest creatures they've ever seen.
1985- Yard sales invented in the hopes that you'll make 75 cents off of that hideous Cabbage Patch Kid with the stupid-ass name that you bought for $150 the day after Thanksgiving that your daughter played with for about half an hour before she ran over it with her Big Wheel and dented its nasty goblin head. Then you shouted at her for no reason and got so upset you tried to calm yourself with a glass of gin which turned into a tumbler which turned into the bottle which turned into 6 months that you don't remember but you've been sober for 18 months now and DAMN YOU Xavier Roberts! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
1986- Max Headroom is effing awesome.
1989- Philip Lilly wears a calculator watch into Mrs. Cooper's 3rd grade class and you immediately send him a note asking if he'd sit with you at lunch. He checks 'no' and you throw your Trapper Keeper across the room, earning you a spot in detention where you have to copy the selections from the letter 'N' out of the dictionary.
1992- The smart pill invented. I don't know what this is.
1998- Viagra developed. Mrs. Alan Shugart pinwheels in her grave.
2002- The Mach 2
2003- The Mach 3
2004- The Mach 4
2005- The Mach 5
2006- The Mach 6

I can only hope that they trick us and jump straight to the Mach 8. The Mach Ocho? The Macho? Gillette, I expect royalties for that...

Whew. Take a break and run to the restroom.

Next thought:
I really want to be described in print somewhere as being attractive and fit. I mean, other than in something I've written about myself. Oh, and maybe if the word 'creepy' wasn't used, that would be neat too.

Once I read an article in People or some other publication that I only read at the dentist's and they described Tea Leoni as being 'impossibly lithe'. This was before she was known being 'impossibly married to David Duchovny' but still 'impossibly irritating but sometimes with a cute haircut'. Anyway, future biographers, I would like a description like that. Perhaps in my obituary. Those plush casket linings can be so flattering.

The other thing I really want is to be driving at a high rate of speed and have to perform some insanely challenging yet delicate maneuver--like swerving to avoid a burning, runaway school bus full of orphans or a baby duck or maybe just once I won't hit the curb when I pull out of the Chick-fil-A drive through--that I'll manage to pull off without even putting my cell phone down. Yes, I'll be talking on the phone and not just using a Bluetooth headset (side note: I really hate the ones that look like you've got a gigantic slug curled around your ear. I always want to go dump salt on the wearer, just to see what happens). My passenger--perhaps Owen Wilson, not because I really like him, he just seems like a good sidekick--will shout an obscenity, partially out of relief and partially out of awe for my driving skills but I won't even notice. Then, we'll park the car and we'll get out to go to the station--because we're FBI agents too--and he'll get out of the car and have to jog to catch up with me and he'll kind of slap me on the back and say, "Hey, nice driving back there." And I'll just shrug and say something like, "Yeah, I do what I can."

And then he'll tell me that the coffee on my feet makes me look impossibly lithe. And perhaps impossibly retarded. But that part he says under his breath.

The days where you can extinguish an orphan and send a baby duck home...well, those are the days that are worth living.

No, I wouldn't actually say that. That's so Tea Leoni.

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