Tuesday, October 31, 2006

By the Time You Read This, I've Probably Been Fired

Happy Halloween, or they call it at work "Non-Denominational Fall Holiday". We can't say 'Halloween' because either we'd upset the Baptists, everyone would insist on trick-or-treating at the receptionist's desk (I got a typewriter ribbon), or Michael Myers would kill someone's babysitter while Jamie Lee Curtis shrieks in the lobby. Maybe they have a point.

Anyway, we all received an email from HR yesterday pointing out that while costumes are permitted, they have to be tasteful (which killed my Slutty Borat idea) but if you do not dress up you are to wear professional attire. Screw that. I am in costume as a 27-year old who sleeps alone because she frequently wears glow-in-the-dark dinosaur pajamas.

Dinosaur Pajamas are Hot.

Business casual, minus the business. Just another service I offer.
And, yes, she's jealous as hell.
Does her ascot glow in the dark?
No. Effing. Way.

We also have the Fall Festival today, where our breakroom has been magically transformed into a breakroom with straw on the floor. There are tons of superfun activities like:
--Flu shots
--A representative from a local funeral home to talk about burial arrangements
--A table where they only speak Spanish and one guy is dressed as Raggedy Andy which is terrifying on so many levels, especially the way he tried to cover his beard with white makeup
--Our HR department who don't seem to appreciate my costume so I'm not spending too much time in front of them even though they have a bowl of Laffy Taffy
--And a horse. No shit, there's a horse here. I secretly hope that somehow it's affiliated with the funeral home. Either that or somebody's got one hell of a Seabiscuit costume.

And just in case you don't have any costume ideas, here are some suggestions that will either make you the hit of your OK, Maybe It's A Tiny Bit Satanic Autumn Tuesday Party or will cause an emergency meeting of your homeowners' association in which they decide it's best if you live elsewhere.

For the Guys-
Borat with an inexplicable Southern accent
Borat with an Irish accent
Borat Who's Not Even Trying to Be Borat, He's Just A Guy With Bushy Eyebrows Who May Or May Not Have Just Delivered the Takeout You Ordered
Zombie Borat
Asian Beastie Boy aka Kim Jong Illin'
Guy With a Hockey Jersey and Golf Club Who Says He's Happy Gilmore but Really Just Likes to Say "The Price is Wrong, BITCH" as He Trips Over Things In Your Living Room and Eventually Throws Up in the Fireplace
Asshole Duke Fan
Asshole Carolina Fan
Thinly-Veiled Representation of Your Sexuality

And For the Ladies:
Slutty Helen Keller
Slutty Meredith Baxter-Birney Starring in the Lifetime Movie Of Your Choice
Slutty Allegories From the Poems of William Blake
Slutty Representation of Britney Spears' Questionable Parenting Skills
Slutty Moth
Slutty Carnival Worker
Slutty Burrito
Slutty Mayor McCheese
Slutty Cyclops
Slutty Ramona Quimby

Enjoy! For me, it's the best day ever. I've had nine flu shots already. And after planning my cremation, I learned that you're not supposed to try to ride the horse because that makes it poop and inevitably it will do so on the one tile not covered with straw. Hooray!

1 comment:

CHAMP said...

Ahh..nothing like a hell day at work!
Today was so shitty even Bob Barker quit!

Here's my day...

I call it just call me Amy
I had some truly dumb shit jump off at work today.

I made a mistake.

So..This lady decides to berate me..act out..holler...scream...act like she was about to die...it was truly uncalled for...in a room full of people.

So when I explained to her that I had never been told about said procedure..hell..I'm working a position I never work for just a few days...

she says...get ready...

"I told Amy not to do this"

then she said it again...

I know I'm funny looking but I have never been mistaken for a skinny twenty something white girl with a nice rack...not on my best day.

It's time for me to find another job.

I then went to her office to further explain that my name is not Amy...and you guessed it.... she said it again.

Yes you told Amy...but...Amy's not a supervisor...Amy's not my siamese twin...Amy's not even close to my middle name.

Maybe Wednesday when I go to work I should wear a short skirt and a brown wig and say "ohmygosh you guys " a lot.

I'm not good at small talk or bullshit..seriously...people tell me I should make small talk...learn the names of co workers kids...

I think that's a load of crap.

Go to work..do your job...

yeah it's time for me to go.

or change my fucking name to Amy.