Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Free is Just Another Word for Where You Go to Get Your Valtrex

I was on the phone with Runtie earlier today and, admittedly, not paying attention because my elderly neighbor was creaking across the parking lot, a process that takes all day especially if she has to crouch behind the dumpsters to wait out the buzzards. You may be familiar with her if you ever studied the ancient Sumerians. Which explains why she refers to her apartment as a zigurrat but not why she calls her crotch 'the fertile crescent.'

Anyway, Runtie had been talking about her volunteer work at the Free Clinic (she's a nurse...although I don't know what else you could volunteer to do at the Free Clinic. Valet is probably out) and while I was trying to navigate through the cloud of dust and locusts the Sumerian just farted out, I spaced and the next sentence I heard involved speed dating, twenty dates in an hour. I was really starting to think that her standards had dropped if she was trolling the waiting rooms for companionship. But then, thank God, I realized there was an additional subject and two predicates that I'd missed. Not that there aren't lovely people sitting there reading Highlights and waiting for the results of their syphilis screenings...she probaby just wouldn't need the entire three minute 'date' to explain to him how many times a day he needs to apply the ointment.

Remember kids, as Neil Young said 'only love can break your heart.' But only syphilis can make your genitals feel as though they've been gnawed by an angry wolverine.

CLARIFICATION- Runtie is not affiliated with speed dating in any way. Because she's super cute and fun and smart and is the one my parents show off in pictures. My face is only placed in a frame after they've filled the others with snaps of their dog, the salad spinner, the results from my mother's colonoscopy, and a photograph of marigolds that used to be on a packet of seeds.

On another note...

Today was day three of my Triumphant Return to Work (cue trumpets and elaborate Terry Gilliam animation) and I have three Somewhat Less Triumphant Things to Share with You:

1) When trying to look busy, spend an hour or seven sending yourself meeting requests in Outlook and then replying to tell yourself that yes, you will attend the meeting tomorrow morning about "The Flushing Problem." Not only will your calendar fill up, but your coworkers will listen jealously as your email notification beeps out the morse code for "I effing rule."

2) When working with Sales and Marketing people who are trying to assign tasks for next month's inappropriately titled "S&M Update", no one thinks it is funny when you raise your hand and say that you'll bring the ball gag and some disinfectant spray.

3) When you see your boss, he will not really appreciate when you point out that he looks well-rested, like his face is at least 800 thread count. You know. Um. Really smooth. Like a nice sheet. It's...uh...good. You look good. Sir.

Knowing is half the battle. Hiding from the vultures is the other half.

No comments: