Tuesday, October 17, 2006

If This Van Is A-Rockin' It's Probably On A-Fault Line

So we had a small earthquake here this morning. It was a 2.6 on the Richter scale which is less powerful than Rosie O’Donnell’s post-Chipotle farts but that hasn’t deterred the local news from going batshit over it. They’ve placed this graphic on their website and the newscasters are discussing it in anxious tones generally reserved for their exposés on why the shelf you bought at Pier 1 is both a silent killer and a pedophile.

Earthquake News Graphic

I’m not sure what the WXII art department was thinking. It looks like they combined an EKG with a picture illustrating that ‘Footprints’ prayer. Between the arrows marked ‘P’ and ‘S’ is where Jesus was carrying you. Then he tossed your body into that huge chasm.

If you don’t work for a local NBC affiliate, you can stop reading here. If your name is, say, Kimberly and you kind of look like maybe Richard Dreyfuss sculpted you out of a plate of mashed potatoes, please continue.

Dear Kimberly of WXII News 12:
Long time listener, first time writer. Yes, listener. I can’t watch your newscasts because neither you, nor any of the other anchors are capable of blinking and that is somewhat unsettling. But I do tune in regularly for hard-hitting journalism like your recent feature on the trapping and selling of Build-A-Bear pelts. Anyway, I know you’re busy sending a news team out to Harris Teeter to stand beside the free cookie bin and ask shoppers if they plan on purchasing milk or bread or Snausages to store in case of another earthquake, so I’ll make this quick. I just wanted to donate the graphic below for you to use in the event of additional seismic activity. Obviously, it’s in keeping with the subtlety and nonsensationalisticness (Yes, that’s a word. So is douchebaggery, but you know this; you work with sportscasters) that I’ve come to expect from your station. The same station that calls itself WXII but broadcasts on channel 11. Enjoy.

rampage game



P.S. I’m pretty sure my neighbor is giving me cancer by continuously parking in my space. Could you please do a story on him?

No comments: