Tuesday, October 17, 2006

La Boheme is La Bohoring.

Here's what I wanted the opera to be like.

La Boheme: Now with Triceratops

Here's what it actually was.

La Bohemmorhoids

So I reluctantly agreed to go to the opera with a friend of mine. We went to see La Boheme which is basically Rent without the AIDS or the black people. I tried to like it but anything that involves that much singing without a single guitar solo sucks. In fact, opera is derived from an Italian word meaning "just as enjoyable as slow death by glue trap".

I attempted to have a positive attitude. Freddy Mercury made it sound fun: "Bohemian Rhapsody", "My Best Friend"...they were part of his night at the opera. Although he was so coked out, he'd have a pleasant time staring at a gum wrapper and a bit of string for three hours.

The positive attitude bullshit lasted until I noticed that the couple sitting beside me were potentially the last two surviving members of the Whig party. And he chose to whistle along with the orchestra, not realizing that they weren't playing "The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy". And she parked her Rascal scooter in the middle of the aisle beside me, forcing everyone to use my face as a handrail to steady themselves as they made for the exits. All of that and I was rewarded with four tuberculosis-filled acts of mind-numbing boredom.

In summary:
Poor, disease-harboring girl meets poor shitty poet.
The concession stand is out of Diet Coke.
After 10 minutes of singing in Italian, they fall in love.
I get distracted by the awkward clapping style of the woman in front of me.
They break up because he's jealous and she's coughing phlegm onto his poems.
Here's where I notice that someone in the program is named "Charles Peed".
She dies in his bed in his dirty apartment even though you know he couldn't afford a new bed and he definitely had to incinerate that one after she kicked off. I've seen the Velveteen Rabbit.
The end!

Bedtime. But first I'm taking something for this wicked headache. I think my brain is La Bohemmorhaging.

More tomorrow. Actual words and not just crap I do in Photoshop.

1 comment:

Where's my mom? said...

For the record, I forwarded this entry to all of the cool people I work with and we feel your hysterical pain. The problem with La boheme is that nothing happens, they meet and fall in love and she dies...pretty boring. The GOOD thing is that it's under 3 hours...yep, that's not common when it comes to opera. You got off easy kid! You could have been dragged to one of them 6 hour Wagner shows...shoot me now.

Luckily, while we haven't had hot krispey kremes at City Opera, we did have cupcakes and champagne last week and it was only for those under the age of 40. Rockin'