Thursday, October 19, 2006

An Open Letter to the Big Easy Cajun Restaurant

Dear Mr. B.E. Cajun-

I was at the mall today and was trying to make a lunch selection from the Food Court. I immediately vetoed Sbarro pizza because the last time I ate there I Sbarfed. Great American Cookie Company was out since they refused to design a cookie cake for me that looks like a giant communion wafer. The refreshments during Mass rarely contain Reese’s Pieces. Or have a picture of Piglet drawn on them with icing. Steak Escape’s sanitation rating was too low which was surprising since they hire from only the finest work-release programs.
And Dippin’ Dots may be the ice cream of the future, but in the present they look the shit inside those packets marked “do not eat” that are always at the bottom of shoeboxes. Which left you, Big Easy Cajun.

You had me from that free sample because everyone knows that any food tastes better if it’s served on a toothpick. I ordered that very item, the Bourbon Chicken, with a side of noodles. I don’t know what brand of bourbon you use, but it—and by extension, your chicken—tasted like nightcrawlers. And sir, please explain to me how you can take an ordinary package of noodles and prepare them so that they taste exactly how a wet dog smells. Could you send me the recipe? Because that is a dish that I would like to fix for someone I hate.

So I spent the afternoon curled into a ball underneath my desk. Yes, that’s how I spend every afternoon, but today I didn’t enjoy it as much. Upon reflection, I think it was the toothpick that tasted good. And by 'good' I mean 'without the aftertaste of mulch'. Here's the deal. You ruined my nap. So you can either get rid of the lying bitch who dispenses the samples or I tell the guy at Steak Escaped From Minimum Security that you were on his jury.

Keep in touch! Spanish class was da bomb!

XOXO,

J-Money

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