Friday, October 27, 2006

See Saw? See Saw Two Too?

If you're like me, you'll be spending your Friday night writing Tesla another letter to see if they'll play a reunion show at your office Christmas party. Or maybe you're tempted to go see Saw 3. Don't. Even though I wished for it every single time I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, nothing happens to Rachel Ray. In fact, she's not even in the movie. I always heard that if you don't tell anyone, your wish will come true but that's obviously bullshit. Next year, no one will be able to shut me up about how much I want a box of Shark Bites brand fruit snacks that is so huge the sharks are life-sized.

So here's basically how Saw 3 goes down:

Despite the numerous times Fred Rogers crammed his hand into the nether-regions of an unsuspecting puppet, he would never have such a decidedly unbeautiful day in the neighborhood, a truly un-neighborly day in the beautiwood as he did after assaulting Jigsaw.

Mr. Rogers and Jigsaw

Things escalated quickly after Mr. Rogers confiscated Jigsaw's tricycle and forced him to ride on that shitty little trolley. As a result, Mr. McFeely was dispatched in the most unpleasant way possible: by having to try to teach the concept of hours and minutes to the mildly retarded Daniel Striped Tiger.

Mr. McFeely

Jigsaw did manage to seduce Lady Elaine Fairchilde, because she is a sucker for a man in a tuxedo. Who is she kidding? The only other eligible bachelors in the MB were Prince Tuesday, obviously gay, and X the Owl who was always stoned off his ass. Sure, she tried to seduce him, inviting her over to her carousel/museum/taxidermy, but he giggled through dinner and shouted repeatedly "That's what you call a masturbating cow!" every single time she asked if he would like another helping of Beef Stroganoff. So when Jigsaw showed up on the trolley track with a book of David LaChappelle photographs, she knew he was different.

Their union was brief and terrifying to those who saw it broadcast on their local PBS pledge drive, but it beat the hell out of a woman wearing a windsuit and a Dorothy Hamill haircut trying to tell you that a khaki "Why Aren't You And I Part of PBS? Because Then It Would Be PUBIS" totebag is worth a $500 donation.

And yes, nasty as it is, they did have a child. Some outlets are reporting the name as 'Sutton Pierce', others as 'Jaden James' but the most likely choice is 'But You Said If We Had Another One, You'd Get Me A Four-Wheeler'.

There. I just saved you $8. Tesla sure as hell better be ahead of me in the holiday buffet line.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Meow meow thank you meow for another great post

David from Memphis.