Friday, October 20, 2006

Super Mario is My Super New Boyfriend.

Mario, Bowser, and the Princess

The Nintendo came in yesterday. That is definitely the greatest $150 I have ever spent in my entire life other than those Hepatitis vaccinations. And maybe the Intelius People Search report on my freshman-year boyfriend. (Hello Jim! Hope you liked the flowers! Why do you still live with your parents?).

Not only do I now own 32 games and two controllers, but it also came with the gun which is painted orange. The gun I used to have was grey which apparently could be viewed as "menacing" if you pointed it out your mother's van window at someone walking across a parking lot and they could "feel threatened enough" to "call the police" and even though you were just "bored" because you'd "been asked to leave your sister's dance recital" because "you wouldn't stop kicking the seat in front of you", you'll still have to spend a couple of weeks doing "community service like pulling tires and appliances and sometimes a Jim Croce album or two out of rivers".

Allow me to point out that while littering is indeed bad and always makes Indians cry, in southern West Virginia where I grew up if it weren't for discarded items beside the road the residents would have no idea how to get anywhere. Directions to peoples' homes frequently include phrases like "turn off the main road" and "take a left at the washing machine. No, the Kenmore. No, someone took the Maytag. Last weekend. Are you writing this down? OK, keep going until you pass the refrigerator. We're the third house on the left, across from the brush fire. Bring some pimento cheese."

Anyway, I immediately unpackaged the Nintendo and hooked it up to my huge TV which is what I purchased to replace my former boyfriend with. Sure, we had some good times, but could he broadcast "Shark Week" in stunning HD? No one ever wanted to come to my house, smoke pot, and watch my boyfriend. I'm just saying.

After 2 or 3 or 85 games of the Mario trilogy, I realized that 1) I had developed carpal tunnel syndrome and 2) if I had this setup the first time I had a Nintendo, I would still be a virgin. And living with my parents. Which reminds me, Jim, I sent you a Pajamagram.

Of course my mother wouldn't let me or my sister Runtie have any cool video games. We couldn't play anything that didn't come packaged with an almanac. Imagine our disappointment when none of our classmates ever wanted to stop by for a game of 'Extreme Win, Lose, or Draw' or 'Christmas at Step-Grandma's' or 'Virtual Vegetable Canning'.

But now I'm a grown up. I work hard so I can stock my own fridge with soda, purple stuff, and Sunny Delight. I also throw a massive tantrum when that effing dog laughs at me if I don't shoot one of the ducks. If anyone would like play a game of 'Skate or Die' with me this weekend, send me an email or stop by. Just turn onto the gravel road and take a right at the stack of tires.

P.S. Just kidding, Mom. We're totally playing "Sticky Bear's Typing Tutor".


Brit said...

HEY. I used to *love* playing Wheel of Fortune on NES.

J-Money said...

Mom, I know that's you.

Hot Librarian said...

Skate or Die rulz. I'll be right over.

J-Money said...

I know that's not actually my mom. Maybe it's my former next door neighbor Cara's mom. She used to let us play Skate or Die, listen to Guns N Roses and eat handfuls of sugar. Perhaps that's why Cara was pregnant in the 11th grade. Someone found her warp zone, if you know what I'm saying. You know? Huh? Huh? Huh? Forget it.

CS said...

LOL indians crying. Making jokes about indians is great fun.