Monday, October 23, 2006

Tips For Make Benefit Glorious Place of Working Cheaply

Screw Jessica Simpson, I'm Employee of the Month
Imagine watching a documentary on the history of oats as hosted by the pig's head from Lord of the Flies. While you sit wrapped in a smallpox blanket. And you have bad skin. Now you have a rough approximation of this morning's meeting. Then picture yourself going out to lunch--and by 'going out' that means walking to an adjacent conference room so a woman with her name stitched on her shirt can give you an ice cream scoop full of something that is either squash or a dead Snork--and watching the pig head eat a Caesar salad one agonizing lettuce leaf at a time as he touches your wrist for emphasis after each comment about how his job is "soooo organic". You don't ask him to elaborate and eventually he ignores you except to make the occasional remark about your wardrobe selection which makes you think that he's just not familiar with the proud history of the US Olympic Drinking Team. It's not like this is just a t-shirt. The logo is embroidered. Em-effing-broidered, Assbag.

I was asked to attend an 'employee development' session which is corporate speak for horrid meeting that requires you to wear nametags even though you've had to walk past the desks of most of the attendees for two years every time you had to pee and no one is going to appreciate it when you insist on being addressed as 'Shasta McNasty'. I never enjoy these meetings because, to me, personal growth sounds like a tumor. No thank you.

But...I will share with you what I learned today

1) When being taught on how to properly give and receive praise and compliments in the workplace, it is appropriate to say "Eve, your new haircut is very flattering." It is not appropriate to continue "So much more flattering than your face, which makes you look like a retarded piranha".

2) When you are divided into teams and have to name yourself something empowering, it is appropriate to use your favorite album for inspiration. While team names like "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" or "Born in the USA" are stupid, they add levity and give insight into the team's focus. No matter how much you like the Pogues, your teammates will not appreciate when you christen them "Rum, Sodomy, and Lash".

3) It builds trust and relationships to socialize with your coworkers away from the office. It also builds your tolerance for Adderall because at the book club meeting last month you said "Then why are you reading this shitty book?" when you heard Pam say that her husband had a huge conch and it was too late when you realized that she was talking about their seashell collection.

Yes, in an effort to find someone I don't hate, I signed up for the Employee Book Club. The reading selections look like this.
October- Something I didn't even buy because it had a picture of a petticoat and a quill pen on the cover.
November- The Bible
December- The Bible
January-Tuesdays With Morrie, which I misunderstood as "Tuesdays with Maury" which could've been fun because Tuesday is always paternity test day.
February- The Bible
March-How to Make Love Like a Porn Star

Just kidding. It's The Bible. Apparently, if your first suggestion to the club is The Cannibis Companion, you will be asked to instead report back on the major themes found in the Employee Policy Manual.
The More You Know

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