Monday, November 13, 2006

And Her Moustache Is Fuller Than Adam Morrison's

So Friday night my favorite attorney and I went to a Charlotte Bobcats game. The Bobcats are famously named after their owner, BET founder Robert Johnson, who obviously didn’t realize that he’d have a much cooler logo if he’d settled on the Charlotte Johnsons. But that mascot would be terrifying to lesbians and the elderly and Family Fun Night would probably lead to some awkward discussions on the drive home, epecially when children don’t already realize the historical significance of the namesake, Ladybird Johnson. She’s legally blind and damn near 174 years old but she probably has a better jumper than anyone in the Cats starting five. Oh, and also she likes wildflowers.

You know that the team you’re going to see isn’t very good when the game program talks less about the players and more about the uniforms. The promo for next week’s games read (I’m not making this up and would totally scan it but I’ve been forbidden to use the scanner at work ever since I tried to scan several slices of lunchmeat):

November 18: Charlotte Bobcats at Orlando Magic
The Bobcats unveil their new blue alternate road uniforms when they travel to Orlando to take on Dwight Howard and the Magic.

November 20: Charlotte Bobcats vs Dallas Mavericks
Bobcats fans will get their first look at the new blue jerseys as Charlotte looks for its first win over Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavs.

I hope these new uniforms are made of sequined fabrics or they have Magic Eye drawing on every player’s back so the crowd will be distracted long enough not to notice that Sean May just dribbled the ball off his foot again. And then he becomes so distraught that he rages into the stands and eats everyone in Section 103. And then he weeps. But we love the new colors! And I believe that’s Tweety Bird on Primoz Brezec’s jersey! Or maybe a fire hydrant! Go Bobcats! .

Unfortunately, the new clothes weren’t part of Friday’s loss to Seattle. The ineptitude of the team could only be entertaining for half the game so we spent most of the second half scanning the crowd trying to decide which woman had the ugliest arms.

Confidential to Woman In Row L, Seat 14: Please contact us to collect your prize--a list of plastic surgeons torn from the yellow pages--so that you may be able to remove that mole from your shoulder. You know, the one that kind of looks like a Bojangles chicken leg is growing from your scapula. Gotta, wanna, needa, getta, hava that thing lasered off.

Confidential to Anyone Who Has Recently Eaten Bojangles: I’m really sorry, but I swear, if you saw it you’d think the same thing, right down to the tiny biscuit and small side of pinto beans on her neck.

Confidential to My Employer: I’m not the one who changed the menu to read 'Blowjangles' in the employee breakroom, but I am responsible for writing ‘Dick-Fil-A’, ‘Crapplebee’s’, and ‘TGIFriday’s Is A Really Shitty Restaurant and Every Time I Eat There Someone From My High School Class Waits On Me and I Swear They Put Olive Oil in My Salad Even Though I Ask Them Not to Because I’m Allergic To Olive Oil and I Spend the Rest of the Day in the Bathroom’ on the dry erase board. I also wrote ‘Olive Gar-Den of Iniquity’ but I don’t think anyone from the warehouse really appreciated that one.

A group of women was sitting in front of us at the game and they all had on those jeans that don’t have back pockets which they should've just paired with a Bedazzled sweatshirt that said "We've All Started Menopause!" The day the back pockets migrate from your jeans is the day you officially become middle-aged. Other warning signs include:
--Having a can of grease under your kitchen sink
--Saving old bread bags so that you can reuse them
--Placing a tissue box in the rear window of your car
--Laughing at anything Caroline Rhea says
--Reading anything endorsed by Oprah
--Learning someone’s last name before sleeping with them
--Subscribing to Redbook
--Using the phrase ‘art’ and ‘Thomas Kincaide’ in the same sentence
--Ordering anything from the Lillian Vernon catalog, especially one of those little pouches for the TV Guide and the remote control that you drape over the side of your recliner or a frame for that Precious Moments jigsaw puzzle that you finally completed and want to move from the card table
--Having a card table
--Going to church

The Bobcats play New Orleans/Oklahoma City/Kissimmee/St. Cloud/That Place Where A Friend of Your Dad's Lives tomorrow night. I’ll be watching. Ladybird’s got game.

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