Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Dispatches From the Break Room

Dear Svenhard's Breakfast Pastries:

First, is your name Sven Hard? Because I believe I've seen your work in "Grinding Nemo". Or perhaps it was "Das Boob", also starring Michael J. Coxx? But that's not why I'm concerned, Mr. Hard. I don't know if you've noticed, but your choice of Cheese Horn illustration could not be more disturbing.


Not surprisingly, this pastry was abandoned on the break room counter this morning with some other things no one is interested in eating, like a dented can of tuna, any item from Ruby Tuesday's, and Clay Aiken's hand.

We're all thankful that you don't make chocolate horns. Although your founder, Farmer Tilda, looks like she was making a chocolate horn when this photograph was taken.

According to the package (No, not your package, although it was impressive. Bigger than a breadbox. And a Kia.) you're located in Oakland. If this is what cheese looks like in Oakland, then I'm starting to understand why Randy Moss is so sad. And why the word "Oakland" frequently preceeds the word "Sucks". I always thought it was because of that show, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, but it could be because the cows there apparently shit cheese.

I visited your website and found this page, a list of events that could be celebrated by giving the gift of cheese horn. Click for larger or if you're just really bored.



And I ask you, Mr. Hard, how much would I have to hate my husband in order to give him an effing danish for our anniversary? "Darling, after 32 wonderful years together, I'd like to give you this, the cheese horn of love. I know that our time together has been more special than Funyuns, more treasured than that bag of trail mix that people only get so they can eat the M&Ms out of it. And it was item C-2 in the vending machine, a sign that this pastry was meant for you. Honey? Where are you going? Robert? Please! What if I said you could probably have sex with it? Like that kid from that movie? The one where you said that if I could ever stick to Atkins then maybe I'd be an, oh, what was it? It was an acronym, like NASA or LASIK or AIDS. A Mother you'd Like to Make Sweet Love To, instead of thinking about how that tramp Alison looks when she bends over to get the paper? Yes, I know all about her, you ass. Robert? Where are you going? You know Alison has Hepatitis! Robert, no!"

And, Sven...condolences?

"Mrs. Cooper, I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I give you this cheese horn with a heavy heart. As you eat it, think about how her arms held you the way this light, flaky pastry holds this fatty, snot-colored cheddar blob. Let me know if there's anything else I can do. And if you see Robert, would you tell him to call me?"

I'm heading to see the 'rents for Thanksgiving. I do hope that you, Mr. Hard, are a part of our celebration. If we don't eat the pastries for dinner, we'll probably watch one of your movies for dessert. Nothing says 'we're truly thankful' like a family viewing of "Titty Titty Bang Bang".

Happy Holidays,
J-Money

4 comments:

Eddie C. said...

Fun fact: the traditional gift for the 3-month-a-versary is, in fact, breakfast pastry. Where I come from, it tends to be muffins, with each type connoting a significant message, so be careful: my dad gave my mom a banana nut muffin, and 17 years later they were divorced. True story.

August said...

isn't sven related to everhard? hmmm, i think they're distant cousins i've heard.

i think you'd have to be serious trailer trash to follow the company's
event gifting list. just sayin'

oh & i live not too far from Oakland & the times i've been there i can say i've never noticed cows shitting cheese or any cheesy cows. then again that's not ever been the focal point of my trips there.

Anonymous said...

alls I can say is that is one of Svenhard's highest selling items. Your an ass to think that they are distasteful.

Scooter said...

I thought the point was that it looks like something that came out of one's ass, or would, if it were brown. Or like august says, out of a cow's ass.

I'm not sure why anon thinks that being a best seller makes it above criticism. After all, millions of people eat durian, and yet some people say of it, "its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock" (wikipedia). And durian is a natural fruit, not something that had it's appearance and/or visual appeal created in a controlled environment like this pastry.