Thursday, November 30, 2006

Just a Funky Christmas Isn't Quite Funky Enough.

I've finished putting together my annual Christmas mix CD which includes such family favorites as "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)" and "I Wanna Rock You Hard this Christmas". I was super pleased with the artwork, and no, I never get tired of putting my face on this blog. Just in case Hugh Laurie is reading.

Confidential to Hugh Laurie: No I don't own a furry abominable snowman costume. Unless that kind of thing turns you on, in which case I'll be at Build-A-Bear with the quickness, stitching pelts together like Betsy Effing Ross. Except hornier. And without the bonnet. Again, unless that kind of thing turns you on.

I also included the New Kids on the Block hit "Funky Funky Christmas" because no holiday is complete without a Joe McIntyre rap interlude. That song takes me back to an innocent time when wearing neon spandex was acceptable, when crimping your hair was radical, when your bangs were teased high enough to snag traffic helicopters or retarded sparrows. For me, it was 1990. For New Jersey, it was Tuesday.

I suggest you watch this and wonder how Donnie isn't still the most famous Wahlberg brother. Sure, Mark was in a Scorsese flick, but he can't sell me on a "Peace out!" like Donnie can. Donnie has conviction. Donnie has passion. Donnie also has a leather jacket with 48 peace signs on it, which means he's against world conflict but pretty OK with killing animals. And with child labor, because no way would anyone over the age of 10 sew that shit together.

Maybe I'm sharing too much, but I did have a pillowcase with his picture on it. That I made out with. This morning.

Limit your exposure to this clip. The New Kids are so white and cottony they could give you Toxic Shock Syndrome.

So many unanswered questions...
--Where did Donnie get the hat halfway through?
--Which picnic shelter does Danny Wood currently live in?
--Why don't I ever see anyone rock a studded leather jacket without a shirt anymore? I mean other than that guy at the Exxon station. The one who tried to get my attention a couple of days ago when I was filling my car up by yelling, "Hey! Number 5! Pump 5!", like I knew which pump number I was using. I do well to remember which side of the car my gas tank is on. Or which car is mine.

After realizing that it was me he was speaking to, I still ignored him. Mainly because of the whole jacket-without-a-shirt thing. And because of Stranger Danger. He finally walked over to me, stood beside the pump and tried to look non-chalant by sounding out the word 'Debit' before saying, "Hey baby, how 'bout you let me buy you that tank of mid-grade." My first thought was, "That's his opener?", followed immediately by "Does it ever work?". I politely declined his offer and got in my car as he yelled, "That's cool, you'll be back!" And he did have a point.

If I can figure out how to upload the tracks to one of those music hosting sites, I'll post a link so you can pretend you're spending your holidays with me. Just have the decency to leave the room when I let my Donnie pillow get to second base.

Just kidding, Hugh.


my mom said...

and where is Jonathan Knight? Was he sick that day? Or did just nobody notice he didn't show up because no one cared about him.

I had the NKOTB sheets too, Jelisa! Oh, if they only came in X-Long for our Student Apartment! Of course, I made out with Jordan Knight (obviously he was my favorite because he was voted New Kid most likely to come out of the closet), though now that Joey McIntyre does Broadway shows, I think my affection can be swayed.

August said...

wow, the '80s sure were a mad crazy time. i can't believe Arsenio joined in rapping with them, but then again nothing could stop his career from going down the drain, not even NKOTB!

anyone notice that NKOTB couldn't sing? just sayin'. actually, Donnie is acting these days & after watching this it's understandable why. he's a fairly decent actor too, surprisingly enough but i've only seen one of his "b" list films.

Nick said...

CJ, is that you who posted the first comment? The Jordan Knight thing and "Joey McIntyre does Broadway shows" leads me to believe so... I'm jealous of your sheets, but at least you kept it to yourself (until now). Unlike me - I think everyone else (ie. the entire 12-year-old population of 4-H summer camp in southwestern Ohio) realized I was gay when I wore my new NKOTB peach-colored t-shirt to the first day of camp. Of course, it was replete with pictures of the original Fab Five along with silk-screend stars, moons, peace signs, and other Mariah Carey charm bracelet pukery. But oh no, I couldn't leave it alone - I took it upon myself to improve the original JC Penney design and cut out my own stars, moons, and peace signs on the sleeves and back. Surprisingly, that didn't go over so well, and it dashed my dreams of 1) ever meeting with and/or joining NKOTB and 2) winning Project Runway. Head, Heart, Hands, Homo. And J, I think YouTube is happy that someone finally watched that video. I can't, however, say that NKOTB is happy that someone watched that video. And P.S. Your YouTube account is crying right now.

Shannon said...

Oh. My. God. If this post was frightening enough, there was mention of Mariah Carey charm bracelets, which I blocked from my memory completely. I think I need to call my shrink.

Hot Librarian said...

While generally talentless, NKOTB is to be commended for teaching a young chimpanzee to sing, dance and even rap.

Koko the signing gorilla's got nothing on Danny Wood.

Monkey said...

I miss the days of fancy dancing and air humping. And does anyone else break into a fit of laughter as Jordan Knight shows of his bird chest/spaghetti arms? I never did have a thing for him though. It was Joey. And I had the dolls.
Good times.

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