Monday, November 27, 2006

Like Staring Through A Telescope Into Hell

I saw this photo today and rarely do the things I hate most of all--the Yankees and Duke University--collide like this. I'll be unable to eat for the rest of the day. Unless someone leaves some pudding in the breakroom fridge.

There are only a few things A-Rod could do that would make me hate him more than seeing him dress up like a Dukebag.

If he...

1) Captured, stir fried, and consumed the entire cast of Happy Feet. Since he didn't eat the skin and only used Mrs. Dash brand seasonings, he counted the meal as 7 Weight Watchers points and then treated himself with a trip to Sephora.

2) Sort-of dated me for an entire semester and forced me to watch Ally McBeal with him every week of our pseudo-courtship, which should have been a warning sign. Then the night of my winter formal he decided to drive to Elon College to see his former girlfriend, a massive Ann Taylor-y creature nicknamed 'Salsa'. Because she was chunky.

This left me to attend the party alone and forced me to create an excuse for his absence. I also consumed three bottles of Boone’s Farm Kountry Kwencher, temporarily lost the ability to read, and admitted that I’d probably do the oldest kid from Hanson.

Confidential to Any Attendees of Said Formal- My date wasn’t really called out of town to donate bone marrow to orphaned baby seals. He wasn’t there because he’s gay.

3) While staying at my house for a slumber party, he was too afraid of the dark to walk down the hall to the bathroom so he instead peed in my Care Bear Cousins trash can.

Yes, that actually happened. Didn't it, Chrissy? You bitch. Thanks for pissing all over Tenderheart Lion. If your parents still lived beside mine, I swear I would've shat in their Dreamcatcher when I was home for Thanksgiving.

4) Was single-handedly responsible for 1918 flu pandemic, Clear Pepsi, the Lifetime Movie Network, the BCS system, my inability to find Boo Berry cereal, and for failing to prevent Charlie Weis from ever appearing in public. Although he was great as “Sloth” in Goonies.

5) Actually attended Duke University.

Now I can't even enjoy this Handi-Snak.
A-Rod and Duke are like tapioca, if by "tapioca" you mean "flavored with suck".



Shannon said...

Can't find Boo Berry? If this is a real issue and you want a box, put your return address on the Christmas card slated to go to Chicopee Massachusetts, and I will mail you back a box for Christmas. I just saw Boo Berry in the store yesterday. I looked at it and thought... wow, someone somewhere is in desperate need of this. Oh the irony.

joe z said...

I heart the Carebears! and Jelisa!
-joe z

The Bird Man said...

Our Mutual Hatred of Duke and the Yankees must be why were are friends.

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