Tuesday, December 19, 2006

It's Still Less Painful Than His Freakin Chevy Commercials

On the drive home from Asheville, I had an engaging debate (yes, with another person. My stuffed dinosaur was sleeping) about whether or not the John Cougar Mellencamp aka John Cougar aka John Mellencougarthisisourcountrythisisourcountrythiiiiiiisisouuuuuuuurcountry song "Hurts So Good" is about, um, having sex through the doggie door.

Consider the chorus:
Come on baby, make it hurt so good.
Sometimes love don't feel like it should.
You make it hurt so good.

Really. Think about it. He's young, she's willing, and they're in Indiana. What else are they going to do? Build a scarecrow?

If the theory is true, I'm terrified by whatever is meant by:
You always look so invitin'
You ain't as green as you are young

Actually, most of his songs can be interpreted this way. And by "most", I mean, like, four of them. Songs like

"Cherry Bomb"
We were goin nuts, girl, out in the stick
One night me with my big mouth
A couple guys had to put me in my place
When I see those guys these days
We just laugh and say
Remember when [subtext: remember when you cornholed me? Ah, the halcyon days of youth]

"Authority Song"
They like to get you in a compromising position
They like to get you there and smille in your face
They think, they're so cute when they got you in that condition
Well I think, it's a total disgrace

And we can't ignore Jack, Diane, uh, sucking on chili dogs, and "let me do what I please". Poor, poor, Diane. If Jack really did grow up to be a football star, he must have been Fred Smoot.

There's also "We Ain't Even Done With the Night". Our guess is that when he was finally done, the Night had a slow, painful walk home and spent most of the afternoon soaking in an Aveeno bath, eating Uncrustables, and sobbing.

I would also like to mention "Human Wheels". Just because that song sucked.

Well that was fun. I apologize if anyone read this while they were eating. Especially if they were eating an Uncrustable.

1 comment:

August said...

what's an uncrustable? i used to like JCM back in the day but now he's just lame ass elevator music(kinda like Elton John).