Friday, December 29, 2006

Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart. This Christmas, I Need a New Liver

My Family Is Cooler Than Your Family.

Well, Christmas at home was a success. As usual, the ‘rents went overboard with the gift-giving and, since they liked the presents I got them, there’s one more year I won’t be cut out of the will. Since I’m still in the will, I try to buy them things that I wouldn’t mind inheriting. Who’s a thinker? Huh? Huh?

Christmas morning, I unwrapped a lot of running gear, which makes me think that everyone’s trying to tell me to get in shape. And maybe I should, you know, pick up the running. Either that or they think that my office’s business-casual dress code includes spandex and sweat wicking fabrics. By contrast, my sister Runtie got about 15 beef sticks. God knows what could be read into that.

Reasons I love Runtie #832
This conversation.
Runtie: Do you think I’m fat?
Me: No way!
Runtie: Well, maybe not as a human, but if I were a dog and were wearing a collar, would I have a roll of fat that is squeezed out over the collar?
Me: Um…
Runtie: Would my collar have to be adjusted or could I wear it off the rack?
Then she eats all the Hickory out of Hickory Farms.

We also had the pleasure of attending a Christmas party that our parents threw. I dunno if anyone else goes through this but when I see my parents’ friends, usually people I see once a presidential administration, they like to guess how old I am. And their answers tended to be anywhere between 10 and 15. Part of it is probably my haircut. The other part is that I was eating pudding with my hands.

Reasons I love Runtie #475
During our parents’ party, I overheard her telling one of the guests (who brought a cream cheese dessert thing that tasted exactly the way a Christmas tree smells and looked exactly like a shaved mouse) that her cheese spreader would probably be a good gift for a secret cutter. “You know, if someone who, like, cuts themselves to feel pretty, they could probably use that knife because it’s small. And discreet. And sharp. And…Diane? Diane?”

Other highlights included my uncle’s Italian feast (my parents’ house has always been like Olive Garden. When I’m there, I’m family. When I’m not, I’m responsible for paying my own rent, insurance, and taxes), doing last-minute shopping at the BP station, and watching my grandmother mistakenly try to eat a peach flavored cigar.

What? Your family doesn’t break out the White Owls after Christmas dinner?

Christmas and Cigars Go Together Like Transmissions and Ponies

Because it's late and I'm lazy, the rest of the story shall be told in list form:

Things My Mother Said While Reading ‘Local’ Section of the Paper on Christmas Eve:
She’s married, why does she need all that plastic surgery?
Do you think she’s wearing a corset?
I thought that woman was already dead.
I taught her in school. She’s been hateful since the 3rd grade.
Her dress is too short. To be an older woman? Don’t you think?
[to my Dad] Isn’t Carol’s dress too short?
Way too short. It is her fourth marriage.
That has to be a corset.
Maybe that’s why he married her.

Things That Make More Sense Than The Homily Given at Midnight Mass By the Fijian Priest Who Invoked (I’m Not Making Any of This Up) Orville and Wilbur Wright, Email, Mickey Mouse, and Why No One Sends Any Christmas Cards With a Picture of the Adult Jesus:
Watching a fight to the death between the Geico lizard and the Aflac duck
Eating a plate of mushroom fudge then playing Hungry Hungry Hippos
Seeing a newborn deer try to stand up on a Slip and Slide
The Fountain

Actually, the best part of Midnight mass—other than when they said “Mass has ended, go in peace” was seeing the Knights of Columbus in full costume, outfits that look like what would be born if Marvin the Martian had sex with a Buckingham Palace guard. They look pretty badass with the swords and capes and stuff.

How Knights of Columbus Are Made

Well, except for the guy on the left. He looks like George Clinton and Prince and an effing Muppet all were involved in a high speed collision.

More club bouncers should look just like that (again, except for the guy on the left) without the parts of the outfit that cause them to sing hymns, genuflect, and ask people for money.

Reasons I love Runtie #259
When the Knights of Columbus came down the aisles before mass, she nudges me and whispers “Who are the pirates?”

Then she dropped a half-eaten beef stick in the collection plate and I ran a lap around the church.


August said...

It looks like you have a fun family but really those masks are scaring the hell outta me!

What is up w/the little devil doggie pics I've seen before? How the hell did that come about?

J-Money said...

The Devil Dog is my parents' little Boston Terror. Sometimes she forgets to take her Zoloft and she gets a bit testy. Or maybe it's because they dress her up in a tiny costume and parade her about the house.

She's lovable once you get past the bared teeth and bitterness.

No, wait, that's me.

August said...

No wonder you're so wonderfully twisted, seems your 'rents are pretty disturbed(i mean that in the best way possible)!