Friday, December 15, 2006

On the 6th Day of Christmas I Passed Out In the Green Bean Casserole.

This time next week, I’ll be in West Virginia, spending the holidays with the fam. Go ahead, make your jokes, get your cheap laughs at the expense of my Mountaineer family. We don't care. 'Cause we take one good Christmas card picture.

family

What can I say? I love you, Uncle Dad.

Actually, I was looking at some pics from last year and found this gem. Note the Rolls-Royce shirt, because I’m a classy bitch.

crazy elf

I’m dressed as my alter ego, Crazy Elf and obviously Crazy Elf is a lot better at coping with the holidays than I am. Crazy Elf didn’t notice that her grandmother had been humming hymns to herself for seven straight hours, that her uncle gave her a Toblerone bar for Christmas and told her she needed to split it with her sister, or that the dog was still dressed as a devil.

christmas devil3

I had a comedy gig in Chapel Hill (or as I call it, Brokeback Mountain) last fall and wore that Rolls-Royce shirt. After my set I was approached by a man who had a special kind of disheveled craziness, like he’d been Tasered on his way to the show. Or perhaps during the show. Anyway, he told me that he thought I was funny even though he normally ‘don’t think women should tell jokes, cause they’re never that good’. And then he called the authorities to report that black people were learning.

He asked me if my jokes were true. I said that some of them were. He asked if it was true that I had a boyfriend. At the time I actually did, but I also would have dry-humped a plate of buffalo wings if it meant that he would stop touching my arm. He said again how much he enjoyed the show and started to walk away. But then he turned around, like he’d just remembered something and said very earnestly, “You know them Rolls Royces is good cars. But if you’d ever have any trouble, how bout you stop by my trailer and let me pop your hood.”

No shit. He does get points for the attempt and I really should’ve bought him a drink or given him a heartworm pill or something. You know, for the effort.

I think Crazy Elf would’ve liked him.

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