Friday, December 08, 2006

She Came In Through The Bathroom Window. And Walked Out With This Month's Vanity Fair.

I’ve just come from the restroom, the one with the sign, and noticed that someone had recently replenished the supply of magazines. I never read them since I can’t, um, call UPS at work. What can Brown do for me? Nothing, unless I’m using my own bathroom. Anyway, I saw something bizarre with the monthly periodicals. That’s what we call them in the ladies’ room…nothing like a little uterine humor to brighten your day. That and a nice "Family Circus" cartoon.

family circus copy

Anyway, stacked with the Cat Fancys and stolen SkyMall catalogs was the latest issue of Cooking Light magazine.

Like, gross. There seems to be something fundamentally wrong with looking at pictures of food while you’re, uh, taking the Browns to the SuperBowl. Granted, I did briefly stand at the vanity thumbing through it because—honestly—the cookies on the cover looked pretty damn good. I hurriedly tried to turn to page 89 but it had been torn out. WTF? Who clips and saves a recipe they read in the bathroom? I wouldn’t even want that on my kitchen counter because even though it was probably sprayed liberally with air-freshener, that doesn’t mean that a rogue poop molecule isn’t clinging to the underside of the page like Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear.

Cut to the church Christmas Party

That Old Woman Who Goes to My Mother’s Church Whose Name I Don’t Know, So We’ll Just Call Her The Highlander Because She Has to Be Damn Near 750 Years Old: Martha, these cookies are divine! Do I taste cranberries mingling with the chocolate chips?
Martha: Yes, and walnuts.
The Highlander: Oh, I must have that recipe! Unless it’s an old family secret…
Martha: No, it’s from a magazine, believe it or not. I found it while I was taking a dump!
The Highlander: A maga--what’s wrong with Linda? She’s throwing up in the Advent calendar.

I apologize for yet another post that involves the bathroom. And several synonyms for dropping a deuce. That alone is almost as tasteless as the "Family Circus", even though you never see the Mom stop to use that bathroom. She’s too busy cooking or vacuuming or dressing Jeffy up in a snow suit. But that’s what you get when you churn out four children in a six month period. That and the urge to slip some Ambien in their mashed potatoes.

fc2 copy

Enjoy your holiday parties. Don’t worry. I’m sure the hostess washed her hands.

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