Friday, December 15, 2006

Their Album Is Called "High and Mighty". I Bet That's Not A Biblical Allusion.

So tomorrow I'll be going to the annual Warren Haynes Xmas Jam in Asheville, NC where over the course of seven hours bands like Gov't Mule and Dave Matthews will combine to play two songs, each lasting longer than The Thornbirds mini-series and I will leave the civic center smelling like the guy who runs the cart at the mall where you can have your name painted on a grain of rice.

Obviously I'm going to need beverages. And while I doubt the security will be tight since Gov't Mule does sell their own rolling papers on their site, you can't be too careful. Nor can you possibly be expected to watch people play Hacky Sack for more than three minutes without wishing you were drunk. Or dead.

That's where Target comes in. They've started selling mini boxes of wine [check local listings...they do here in NC, but we also have drive-through ABC stores and more than one street named after a member of the Earnhardt family] that are like Capri Suns but they taste like a rich cabernet. One that has been filtered through a Glade Plug-In and seasoned with dust. But they're cheap! And they make a beautiful centerpiece, suitable for your party, graduation, or bris!

Plus it looks super classy if you put two individual cartons of Shiraz in those helmets with the cup holders instead of two cans of beer. Or, in my case, two containers of Pedialyte.

You can also do like Runtie and I did when we went to the Wake-Virginia Tech football game and just stash them in the hood of your sweatshirt. It's completely undetectable. No one can tell I'm smuggling four cartons of wine!

Actually it just looks like I have spina bifida.

Which is probably why I suck at hacky sack.

See you guys on Monday.

1 comment:

Nate said...

Wait, wait, wait wait wait.

You DON'T have spina bifida?

So what was with all those orthopedic shoes I got you for Christmas last year? Pairs and pairs of them! I had to take Manolo Blahnik himself hostage to get him to manufacture that bullshit.

Actually, I don't know if spina bifida is an orthopedic shoes kinda deal. Probably not. My apologies to all your bifidite readers.

- Nate