Wednesday, December 13, 2006

You Call It "Hump Day", I Call It "I Tell You Shit That Happened Yesterday...uh...Day"

1) So yesterday after my haircut I met My Favorite Attorney at the gym. I asked him if he liked the cut and—in true boy fashion—he said, “Yeah, it makes your face look bigger.” Great. That’s so what I was going for. I also hope my highlights give me the appearance of a pockmarked complexion and the style makes me look like I’m never going to date again and should probably just skip the gym in favor of another evening of dipping Eggo waffles in Crisco and playing Scattergories by myself.

We met for lunch earlier and he said I looked better today because yesterday "it was too shiny". I didn’t ask if he meant my hair or my WalMart-sized face.

2) When we were at the gym, we saw a guy I’ll call Bob. Because that’s his name. If you’d like an accurate picture of Bob, open Microsoft Word and use Autoshapes to draw a rectangle. Now draw a pair of glasses on the rectangle. Now make it very excited to have just had a prostate exam, because that’s most likely the only sexual contact Bob has had since that time he took an errant tetherball to the crotch. This is the actual conversation Bob had with My Favorite Attorney:

Bob: Hey J-Money’s Favorite Attorney.
MFA: Hey Bob. How’re you?
Bob: Got my prostate checked today.
MFA: Um.
Bob: I have a lot of calcium up in there. Lot of calcium.
MFA: I…uh.
Bob: It’s just on one side though. The other side doesn’t have as much calcium.
MFA:---
Bob: Calcium, prostate, prostate, calcium, prostate, something else disgusting, prostate. OK, this is the part where I was about to laugh inappropriately and had to turn around and think of things that make me sad, like puppies in the animal shelter or the clothing at DEB or Dakota Fanning so this is my best guess of what his final statement was before he walked away to tell someone else about his anal fissures when they asked if he was done using the 25-pound dumbbells.

Bob should be fine though. I’m sure that through the miracle of modern medicine, he’ll be killed so that his prostate can be used to cure osteoporosis. When that happens, use the “Format Autoshapes” feature to turn your rectangle black.

3) "House" is on hiatus until January 9. Until then, I'll be filling Tuesday nights from 9-10 with my other favorite activity, Swiffering my hallway.

4) No, that's not a euphemism.

5) Unless Hugh Laurie would like to...uh...Swiffer my...um...you know.

6) Here's where I deleted a really inappropriate WetJet comment.

7) Sometimes I don't know when to stop. With blog posts, with drinks, with the number of times I laugh at the Sirius radio display when I'm listening to the 60s station and the screen isn't big enough for the whole title so it just says "Build Me Up Butt".

8) God, I'm so lonely.

9) Prostate.

2 comments:

Matt the Great said...

i read the blog regularly and love it. so today i was e-stalking you and found you had myspaced this (re: Full House):

"...but well before Stephanie got annoying and DJ wore a sauna suit to try to lose weight for her bathing suit."

you just lost cred with me. Stephanie never got annoying, and the DJ losing weight episode--or Episode MMCXIIVLX as i call it--was amongst Full House's zenith of quality.

i'll keep reading though. and i am corinne zadik's friend/lover. except not lover.

J-Money said...

Look, Matt, I'm sorry but after Stephanie said "well pin a rose on your nose" and then crossed her arms in an exaggerated way for the 843rd time, I was ready to shove her down the disposal.

And I'm with you on the sauna suit episode, a VERY SPECIAL Full House if there ever was one. It was the obvious parallel to the "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so...scared" Saved by the Bell.

Coincidentally, that's what I always say right before I have sex.

I hope we can still be friends. Emoticon.