Monday, August 21, 2006

I Hope Juliana Margolis is Still Available...

I'll be traveling to scrumptious Deerfield, IL tomorrow (City Motto: Deer and Fields sold separately) and was just reading the TSA's list of things I can no longer take on a plane. The top of the list of forbidden items was Samuel L. Jackson impressions, followed by any member of FallOut Boy, and references to any reptile, amphibian, dinosaur, or Republican (I know, it's redundant) being ferried any mass transportation device including but not limited to planes, trains, buses, subways, ocean liners, aircraft carriers, or the DisneyWorld monorail.

The TSA tells me that dangerous items such as Dr. Scholls insoles, mascara, water, yogurt (even Danimals), and cheese in pressurized containers remain forbidden, but you're allowed to take small quantities of "essential liquids" such as eye drops, insulin, your own blood, and--no kidding--KY Jelly. Up to 4 ounces.

Um, I've never used 4 ounces of that stuff in my life, including college. Of course, I still collected baseball cards in college so that's not saying much.

Continuing to read, I noticed that gel push-up bras and gel high-heels have been placed on the permissible items list.

So heels, build-a-boobs, and lube are now A-OK...Y?

Someone get my agent, call Samuel L, and alert the bloggers. The TSA thought we wouldn't notice, but obviously this is an open casting call for Sluts on a Plane.

I can't wait to see what they bite.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Perhaps They Could've Phrased It More Delicately



Highlight added by blog poster. Snickering noises also added by same.