OK, so I watched the Golden Globes last night and I’ve decided that my life will be a failure unless I develop such a close relationship with Martin Scorsese that I can refer to him as “Marty”. Or “Candy Britches”. Oh, and I want to have a paragraph in USWeekly that uses the word “canoodling” and speculates about my love life. With another person. And I’m going to bring the slap bracelet back. Did anyone ever know anyone who peeled the Jem stickers off, sharpened it into a shiv, and sliced another kid’s Achilles tendon while he was sounding out the first paragraph of The Berenstain Bears Discover Laser Hair Removal?
The slap bracelet/weaponry connection is right up there with other fictional elementary school maxims, like the need to chew your food twenty-eight times, the word “gullible” not being in the dictionary, and pot being a gateway drug. Pot is a gateway to thinking that you need a pair of $29 Tanzanite earrings from the Home Shopping Network; to seriously worrying that you may be the father of one of the children on Maury Povich even though you’re a woman and have never met someone named La’Poupee; or to creating a PowerPoint presentation about why Taylor Hicks does in fact make me proud.
Talking points on the first slide include:
1) He has never been the one to raise his hand
a) That’s not him
b) That’s not who he is
2) He is standing tall
3) He is stronger than he’s ever been now
4) He has learned that to question is to grow
5) He is cutting back on trans-fats
6) He is considering purchasing a Prius
7) He is does not wear ironic t-shirts that say things like “Miles for Smiles” with a picture of a tooth wearing running shoes.
I missed my secret boyfriend Hugh Laurie’s acceptance speech (But I feel certain he thanked me using our agreed-upon number of blinks, pauses, and use of the word "colonics") but I saw enough reaction shots of Jack Nicholson to wonder why he now has Kim Jong Il’s haircut. And apparently Will Ferrell’s next role will be in “Deal-A-Meal: The Movie”.
I obviously was not in attendance last night, but this is what it would’ve looked like if I’d been there.
I’m staring at Nicolette Sheridan wondering if Michael Bolton has noticed that her neck looks like a working model of the female reproductive system. Which is ironic since she’s a man.
Finally, I saw approximately seventy UPS 'Whiteboard' commercials with that guy drawing dry-erase cartoons. First, that man does not have a neck. Underneath his Brendan Fraser-in-Encino Man hairstyle his ears connect directly to his spine, which makes me think he could also draw a realistic picture of what oral self-pleasure looks like. Next, the song blipping in the background is “Such Great Heights”, performed by….The Postal Service. That makes me laugh every time, but then again so does the fact that when he sketches an airplane it looks like he gives it a dick. If UPS is as quick to ship things as they are to discover music, I’m never getting those Space Bags I ordered from QVC.