Saturday, January 06, 2007

You Thought the Neti Pot Was Creepy

I recently discovered that I have those On-Demand channels on my cable system and they have seriously overtaken my life. Especially the Exercise On-Demand selections, featuring Chairobics. Oh yeah. People doing aerobics in chairs, which--as they tell you at the beginning of the program--is only dangerous if you attempt it in a folding chair. Or if you put your chair on top of a moving car. Or in the garbage disposal. So I watched it and found it way more entertaining than almost every Nicolas Cage movie, especially the part where the instructor said it was OK if you were too exhausted to continue and needed to take a break or pause the activities, which makes sense because you'll already be a chair. I'm looking forward to future titles in the series, Beanbag Boot Camp, Sofacize, and Yoga For When You Pass Out Facedown On Your Friend's Ottoman After Drinking Seven Vodka Tonics.

I also like Squidbillies the Adult Swim cartoon about a family of bigoted redneck squids, which reminds me of several people from my high school yearbook. Except for the whole 'squids have ten legs and can fire a jet of ink when threatened' thing. My former classmates stun predators by shooting out a cloud of pork rinds and illiteracy.

Anyway, I just watched Hard Candy on HD On-Demand, an insanely disturbing flick about a photographer that chats up a 14 year-old online and, without saying too much, she, ah, tries to show him the error of his ways.

My problem with this movie (other than the fact that it has several scenes that make you want to throw your eyes across the room) is that it opens with an instant message-ish chat between the two characters and I don't think anyone with less than seven hands can possibly type that fast. Complete sentences were flashing onscreen without any typos or grammatical errors, which I found less believable than a teenage girl knowing how to tie elaborate knots (just watch the flick)

That's why I've never tried to meet anyone online. I used to play football and broke several fingers, which ended my dream of being a QVC hand model, gave my parents another reason why Runtie is their favorite, and made my hands look like coat racks.

After watching me write something onscreen, correct it, rewrite it and still not make any sense, my potential suitor would be convinced that it wasn't a person on the other side, but a small dog walking across the keyboard. And because I called them "my potential suitor", they'd probably think I was a total loser who wears sweaters with ribbons on them, collects American Girl dolls, and knows the lyrics to most Eddie Money songs. But they'd be wrong. Because I effing hate ribbons.

Until I got to bed, I'll be trying to forget about that movie by actually thinking about a tiny dog standing on my PowerBook as well as other cute things like a baby monkey wearing a diaper, a snowman wearing colorful scarf, or Grave Digger the monster truck rolling effortlessly over a line of Chevy Novas.

1 comment:

August said...

I just saw Pedro Almodovar's movie "Volver"(in Spanish w/subtitles no less) & he also has a reputation for addressing controversial issues that can be disturbing. "Volver" is a GREAT movie though & Penelope Cruz does an amazing job. It actually addresses incest, extramarital affairs & child sex abuse.

The fact that "Hard Candy" disturbed you so much & stuck in your mind is a testament to how well the Director, actors, writers & cinematographer did in creating the film. Great art affects you emotionally, makes you think, & addresses issues our society is afraid to face. This movie received great reviews too. I have yet to see this but it's on my list.