Friday, August 17, 2007

Isaac Asimov Would Be So Disappointed

Here is an actual transcript of yet another call I just made to Time Warner Cable's customer service department. Since last week's conversation with Reba, they've replaced all of the humans with disembodied voices and touch-tone mazes. I can only imagine what they've done to the cast of Orgy Party. Or to Reba...

TWC Robot: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable. To provide you with the best possible experience this call may be recorded. Para espanol, juan es muy guapo y tengo gusto de sus zapatos. (Note: This may not be accurate, but I'm not exactly bilingual).

Me: Listening intently, picturing a room full of bored robots wearing wrinkled Dockers and reading bland telemarketing copy. Does Time Warner just hire the robots incapable of, like, constructing a Toyota Corolla or are they just the ones that didn't really apply themselves in school? Or maybe this is just a starter job until something better comes along, like a viable script for Short Circuit 3.

TWC Robot: Here's your main menu. To add, change, or disconnect a service, say "service changes". For troubleshooting, say "troubleshooting". For billing questions, say "billing".

Me: Billing.

TWCR: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

Me: BILLING.

TWCR: Currently, all billing operators are serving other customers. Your wait time is ninety four minutes.

Me: Operator.

TWCR: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

Me: OPERATOR.

TWCR: Main menu. Para espanol, donde esta la parada del autobus?

Me: Billing.

TWCR: To add, change, or disconnect a service, say "service changes".

Me: Fine. Service changes.

TWCR: I'm sorry--

Me: SERVICE EFFING CHANGES

TWCR: Eres una cochina, el unico razon que estoy contigo es porque tu estas tan bueno en la cama.

Me: OK, I've never even met you. While I appreciate the, um, backhanded compliment there's no way you could possibly know that since I doubt you have a central nervous system, let alone functional genitalia.

TWCR: To point out your weak narrative devices, say "shitty writer".

Me: Did we date in college?

TWCR: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

Me: BillingbillingbillingBILLING!

TWCR: I'm sorry--

Me: EFF YOU!

TWCR: Transferring your call.

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I don't know how Steve Guttenberg did it.

4 comments:

Scooter said...

I always get duck and shoes confused. You'd think zapatos and pato would be so similar because of linguistic evolution, or drift, or whatever it was called when I learned it in English 5101 and then promptly forgot it. Maybe way back when Hispanics wore ducks on their feet, until someone figured out all that quacking, and stepping in eggs and crap was getting a little old.

J-Money said...

You know, I never had that problem until today. Thank you. Tonight at La Carretta, I'll probably misspeak and be served a broiled Topsider.

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

I had this exact same conversation, but instead of billing, I was trying to report a service outage.

"Support."

"I'm sorry--"

"SUPPORT, DAMN YOU!"

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