Sunday, September 30, 2007

5 Things That Don't Suck

1) Other than Yosemite Sam cartoons/mudflaps and 2004's misguided purchase of a knit poncho from Banana Republic, I can't say I really like any Western-themed items. That was true until I saw 3:10 to Yuma last night, which was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I honestly haven't felt that good about spending $8 since, well, earlier yesterday when Walgreens had Diet Coke on sale. But Yuma is phenomenal, from start to finish and passed the "I Would Rather Hold My Pee So Long That I Have to Unbutton My Pants Rather Than Walk Out and Miss A Single Moment" test, even though I'm pretty sure that the sight of me fumbling with my crotch during a particularly intense sequence killed my chances of having a second date. There's also a monkey.*

* In the movie, not in my crotch.

According to the Humane Society's movie-review site, the monkey was not harmed. It "sat on a desk scratching itself...and the action was mild". I believe the exact same phrase was used in my last employee review.

2) My beloved Red Sox clinched the AL East on Friday night with their victory over the Twins (and the Yankees' loss to the Orioles). I'm almost ashamed to admit how much pleasure this win brought me. I've always been too emotionally involved with my sports teams and the fact that each victory leaves me beaming and each loss leaves me broken has almost led to my separation from the Sox more than once over the years. I flirted with Dodgers fandom--even went so far as to buy an LA hat--but neither one seemed to fit me.

It's like when you change schools or go off to college and are determined to become something else, to finally shake whatever Breakfast Club-ish 'princess' or 'basket case' label you've been tagged with since the minute you set foot into homeroom. But then you realize that your "new" you is just like the old one, your new friends reminiscent of the ones you've left behind, and that you'll always be a basket case. Or a Sox fan. Or that girl with bad skin who is way too old to continue shopping at Wet Seal. And you're OK with it.

Also, you can read my tribute to the hottness of the Red Sox here.

3) I admit it. On Friday, I DVR-ed three episodes of TLC's What Not to Wear. The premise of this show is that the hosts Stacey London and Clinton Kelly take very unfortunate-looking women and, over the course of a week, teach them how to dress like gay men.

I do admire the women that allow their flaws to be examined and closets to be plundered on national television. I know I'm not that strong. The second Stacy tried to wrench my "Big Weenies are Better" t-shirt from my grasp, I would probably set myself on fire.

Confidential to TLC Producers: If this is something you would be interested in, please email me.

4) Rarely do I have anything in common with hipsters other than an interest in ridiculous clothing (see #2, #3) and a commitment to poverty, but I'm so in love with Iron & Wine's new release "The Shepherd's Dog", I have stopped taking my birth control pills so that I may carry its child. It's such a good album, I actually purchased it from iTunes rather than illegally downloading it because singer/musician Sam Beam seems like a real, accessible person who deserves some measure of success for his art. Also, I think he works at my local Whole Foods.

Confidential to Sam Beam: Could you please save me one of those tomato and feta stromboli things? They're always either gone or withered beyond recognition by the time I get there. Please? I bought your album.

5) On Friday, Wordpress featured my House recap on their front page, marking it as a "Hawt Post". That's right, I'm blogging about a blog post about a blog post. I feel so dirty.


Scooter said...

Ok...I really like the AHA site. Not because I can make sure the movies I want to watch are rated animal safe, but because I can put in "monkey" and "unacceptable" in the advanced search and get back hits like The Snakefist Vs the Dragon which notes: "The brutal fight scene between the monkey and snake was staged for the film and appeared to cause severe injuries to both animals". Also, cat and unacceptable gets you Mr. Mike's Mondo Video in which "cats were thrown into a swimming pool during the production of this film, earning an Unacceptable rating from AHA" - starring Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Carrie Fisher, and Teri Garr - that sort of cast sounds unsafe for any animal, not just cats.

Scooter said...

I should have added, "Reports state that a raccoon was beaten and traumatized during production of the sci-fi thriller, Prophecy." just because it sounds made up and because I had an uncle who was a raccoon, until he killed himself by pulling a pot of boiling water over on least my grandma claims this is the truth. My father disputes his raccoon heritage, but who wouldn't? Mancoon sounds like a bad sci fi channel movie.