Saturday, November 10, 2007

Frankincense and Myrrh Are Also Acceptable

Things I Want for Christmas

Because Hardee's and I have both put our Christmas trees up, it's time for me to share my Christmas list with everyone. Granted, I've been unemployed since April so I won't be giving any gifts this year, unless they can be made from ramen noodles and my own tears. BUT that shouldn't stop you, dear reader(s), from showering me with presents.

The items pictured above (and I strongly suggest that you click the picture to view everything in its full awesomeness) are:

1) One not-at-all offensive Cher doll, officially named "Half-Breed". I'm not making that up. The item description claims that the doll has "authentic face sculpting" which is probably true, since at this point, most of Cher's actual face is made of vinyl.

2) A 300 Spartan helmet/votive holder, because I've had difficulty finding home decor that combines my love for both bloodshed and Glade "Angel Whispers" candles.

3) A delightful plastic figurine of hunters driving home with a newly slain deer. Not only that, but it also plays "Sweet Home Alabama", which makes sense..."Hit Me With Your Best Shot" would just be tacky.

4) A t-shirt that says "Corn Poop: One of Life's Mysteries". Also a mystery? Why you rarely see clothing like this at Neiman Marcus. Or on anyone who doesn't regularly sleep on a subway grate.

5) Is it a corset? Is it a lamp? Holy shit, it's both! And I'm determined to be tiny enough to wear it, even if that means removing my own rib cage.

And then sometimes, the product descriptions are too glorious not to reproduce in their entirety. Like this.

And this:

Boy, do I wish I'd had this mask earlier. I've wasted so much time... it always seems like the kids are terrified but the animals are still eating from your flower bed, or vice versa.

I would've added this outfit to my list, but was disappointed to learn that it was only available in infant sizes.


What? Sometimes I just want to rock a onesie.

Finally, if you haven't finished decorating your own homes, may I suggest this charming costume for your toilet.

Because there's nothing disturbing at all about evacuating your bowels directly into Santa's mouth. That'll teach you not to bring me a Wii, you jolly old bastard!

Now, get out there and start buying me things! There are only 43 shopping days left and those corset lamps aren't going to last forever. Unlike Cher's face.

3 comments:

Sorcia McNasty said...

I teach at a very rural school where the Special Ed teacher just had a baby. Keep in mind, this is the kind of place where women don't quit smoking if they get pregnant, so you can actually offer to hold her baby for her if she is in the process of trying to light up a menthol. Anyway. Aforementioned baby (a girl) was totally wearing the "Large Mouth/Crapper" onesie last Monday.

Hot Librarian said...

This post has inspired me. I think I'm definitely doing all my xmas shopping from the Harriet Carter catalog this year.

Vanilla said...

The Cher doll looks more like Courtney Cox, and the great mystery of Corn Poop to me is how corn can have any nutritional value if it just goes right through you completely intact?