Monday, November 26, 2007

You Didn't Need the Helmet Either

Confidential to the Man On the Bike In Front of Me In the 5:30 Spin Class:

--Why exactly did you choose to wear a fanny pack? Since the bikes are bolted to the floor, you probably do not need provisions.

--Yes, I saw you playing air guitar during "Layla". No, I was not at all impressed that you could ride without holding the handlebars. Again, the bikes are bolted to the floor. I would've been more interested if somehow you managed to careen into the wall.

--Just because I didn't appreciate the way you formed the invisible guitar chords, you didn't have to hiss at me. You hissed. Like a goose.

--Perhaps grey sweatpants aren't the best choice for you. When your sweat starts to pool in the legs, it forms dark patches that make your thighs look like oil-drenched seals.

--The farting? Unnecessary.

--Ooooh, you're wearing not one, not two, but three LiveStrong bracelets! I applaud your commitment to curing cancer through your generous support of child labor.

--Just so you know, the next time I hear "Sharp Dressed Man", I'm going to recall tonight's four-minute hill climb through your ass cloud.

--Any type of reasonable ending to this post? Probably is trapped in a nylon sack and strapped to your abdomen. Along with my commitment to NaBloPoMo.

2 comments:

Scooter said...

Yikes. You know this isn't really any better if you ride outside. My favorite experience was riding behind an ample behind whose owner had allowed her bike shorts to wear away all the black fabric, leaving a clear, shiny window onto/into her crack. But she didn't far, and I didn't feel the need to beat her down for wearing a fanny pack.

Vanilla said...

Yes, you suck at NaBloPoMo.