Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Apartment, Sweet Apartment

So we survived Vegas. It was a great trip, even with the whole "running" part and--trust me--there will be a scathing review of the Las Vegas Marathon/Half Marathon debacle(s) posted before the end of the week, but for now we'll focus on some of the other things my sister Runtie and I learned during our visit to Nevada (Official Motto: No One Cares About the Rest of the State).

Neither of us are gamblers, unless you count our willingness to use the public restrooms in the casinos, so we decided early on that if we were going to lose money, it was going to be through shopping and not through an ill-advised hand of blackjack. Until last week, I thought "double down" was a type of duvet cover. So we went shopping and it didn't take long for us to realize that most of the stores were out of our price range. Actually, I've been unemployed for so long, name-brand pasta sauce is out of my price range, so I'm not sure who I was kidding when I decided to stroll into the Forum Shops at Caesar's.

Vegas Lesson #1: If a store's front window display features either a garment you do not understand or a television showing nonstop footage of models strutting down a catwalk looking moody/pensive/constipated, you probably can't afford to shop there.

That said, I did have to purchase a pair of dress shoes on our first day, because while I made sure to pack my running shoes and a pair of sensible-yet-completely-hideous flats made by a brand with an umlaut in their name, I forgot to bring anything remotely formal. After emptying my suitcase, I realized that my options for accessorizing my evening wear were either the sneakers--which would make me look like a mallwalker on her lunch break--or the shapeless brown flats, which make me look like a Hopi Indian.

We bypassed the overpriced options (which included stores named after people, stores with marble entrances, or any place where the salespeople had adjectives for names. Sorry, Dazzle.) to find one of the only department stores on the strip. And they were having a sale. And I found a pair of red heels that were half price, in my size, and were flashy enough to distract from my scrawny marionette legs.

Fast forward to approximately three minutes after putting the shoes on and realizing that Michael Kors designs footwear for people with cloven hooves. I have already snapped the heel on the left one, both so I can return them to the local branch of the department store and so they can't hurt anyone else. Suck it Kors. Your reign of terror ends at Dillard's.

Vegas Lesson #2: No one notices if you're walking barefoot through the casino, because they are too distracted by the hotel staff members scrubbing furiously at the vomit stain near the door.

On Friday night, we went to see Ka, the Cirque de Soleil show. For those of you who have not seen a Cirque show, they are what would happen if a Bjork song came to life.

Vegas Lesson #3: While seeing Cirque de Soleil is more expensive than taking drugs, particles of Cirque will not be detected on any pre-employment drug screenings. Unless you lick the backs of the performers.

Before you plan a trip to Vegas, just realize that it is insanely expensive and absolutely everything you do costs money. After understanding that we could have combined the money we spent on cabs to buy a Dodge Stratus, we decided it would be cheaper and more convenient to ride the Monorail. Um. What they don't explain is that the monorail "stations" are in the deepest bowels of the hotels, and most of these buildings have floor plans rarely seen outside of the Legend of Zelda. Pack a snack. Just don't buy it there, unless you have extra plasma to sell.

Vegas Lesson #4: Yes, a bagel is approximately $84. But food prices are like the city itself: there's no middle class. Everything is either ridiculously pricey or it's the culinary equivalent of the "Homeless Man With An Arm Growing From His Forehead You Saw Sleeping Near New York, New York, Making It Eerily Similar To Actual New York."

Vegas Lesson #4.5: No matter how hungry you are, you should probably avoid the slot machines that pay you in shrimp.

BUT, we had a great time. I'm not sure Runtie and I have spent that much time together since I left for college, back when I was single, jobless, and had horrible skin. And now look at me! I...um...I dated a guy once. For real, our trip was awesome because not only did I get to see her finish her first marathon, I also learned things about her, little things like the fact that she doesn't like John Cusack's mouth. And where she went to college. And that she's so my best friend.

2 comments:

Vanilla said...

Sounds like a great trip, I'm looking forward to reading your marathon/half-marathon report.

And thanks for your kind words yesterday.

Holly said...

But did you wear your Marathong?