Monday, January 07, 2008

Nat Geo, Yo.

Just when you think I couldn't have a more ballin' lifestyle, allow me to share this detail with you. I spent most of the weekend entranced by The Dog Whisperer. I watched it live. I DVR-ed it. I read his book. And then I stared at Pigpen while having one-sided "Coffee Talk"-ish deconstructions about how Cesar Millan is neither a dog, nor a whisperer. I have attempted some of his methods with the Pig with moderate results. When I told him in a calm-assertive voice that I was his Pack Leader, he calm-submissively pissed all over the ottoman. But Cesar's Way has been a bit more effective than my previous technique, something that I like to call 'The Dog Screaming At-Erer" or its counterparts "The Dog Purchase Regretter" and "The Upholstery Scrubber-er".

My Friday night was spent running on the treadmill at the gym (What? Don't hate) and, of course, watching the D-O-Single-G Whisperer. The most enjoyable part of the program wasn't the Chihuahua with the perma-boner (a feature that was unrelated to his aggression problem but prominent enough for my mother to comment on it, both using the phrase "red rocket" and suggesting a TV-G solution involving electrical tape) but the fact that the TV was displaying the closed captioning, so for an hour, I got to read text like this:

(barking)
Cesar: Shhhhh.
(barking)
Cesar: Shhhhh.
(barking)
Cesar: Shhhhh.
(barking)
Cesar: Shhhhh.
(whimpering)

I left the Y feeling as Pack Leader-y as ever before getting home in time to calm-assertively wonder how I was ever going to glue my mini-blinds back together. At least the ottoman stayed dry. Baby steps. Baby steps.

2 comments:

Vanilla said...

"The Dog Screaming At-Erer" Nice. We took our dog to formal training classes and found them a little to "new age" for us. We had to look him in the eyes to establish dominance and be calm and even with him. Surprisingly it worked really well after a few months.

It does not work so well on kids.

CLARE. said...

It's a good thing you live six states away from me, because Naughty Aunt Clare would be at your apartment every night, clowning around with Pigpen and giving him kisses and snorgles and treats when she should be calm and asserting her dominance.