Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Consumer Reports

I made an impulse purchase this morning...but keep in mind that my withered bank account means that my splurges are less frittata pan or Neil Diamond box set or Slovakian baby and more items available at Texaco. Last week's find was a Larry the Cable Guy air freshener.* This week? The new, limited edition Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper**.

As a long-time patient of Dr. Pepper's I yoinked that 20 ouncer (and four coins from the take-a-penny dish) with high hopes. The label itself was appealing...I dug the pink and brown Limited Too color scheme and the prominently-featured dripping cherry logo would make a sweet tattoo, if I were a whore.*** Also, the ingredients promise both natural and artificial flavors--my two faves!--although maybe they could be more specific about the composition of said flavorage. If I'm consuming bat dander and carpet remnants, I'd at least like to know about it before I slurp a second can.

But back to the ChocoCherry...the bevo itself is a sickly reddish-brown, like uncooked ground beef, but the smell is a blast of pure synthetic sweetness, like sniffing a whiff of dessert-scented shower gel from the Bath & Body Works "Lonely and Menopausal" collection. mouthful was more than enough (of the soda, not the shower gel) to get the idea and, yes, it does taste like a chocolate cordial....a cordial full of Robitussin and regret. Diagnosis: Nasty.

I still don't understand why--after 120 years of original recipe success--the good Doc Pep started practicing mixology, resulting in this disappointment or his previous attempt, Berries & Cream & An Earthworm-like Aftertaste. Congratulations! You've made the Wuzzles of Soda.

I considered licking the Goodwill drop box to get the taste out of my mouth but instead settled on a pack of Ice Breakers Ice Cubes gum, which are as minty and cool as face-grinding Mr. Freeze (George Sanders version, please) for about 18 seconds. Then they go limp and flavorless, like a millipede slowly expiring on your tongue.

But those 18 seconds are fab, thanks to "cooling XYLITOL"**** which, after eating four boxes of Cubes, I sincerely hope will never be exposed as "carcinogenic XYLITOL", causing me to grow an additional ribcage. On my face.

Next time, I'm just buying the baby.

Final verdict (American Idol-style):
CCDDr.P: No, no, no. You aren't ready, dog and I'm not even sure that was a serious audition.

Ice Breaker Ice Cubes: Yes, yes (Randy & Paula); No (Simon)

*It smelled like direct-to-DVD entertainment. And Bill Engvall's back.
**Or Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry Chocolate. I can't figure out which order the words go in.
***And Cherry Chocolate would be an excellent nom-de-poon...and I think was also the name of Punky Brewster's best friend.
****These are the exact tiles I have gotten at the beginning of every Scrabble game ever.


Scooter said...

nom-de-poon...that's damn funny.

Sally Parrott Ashbrook said...

Oh, I needed that today! That was hysterical.

J-Money said...

Scoot- Thanks... I hope you will try to use it at work tomorrow.

And SPA- Glad you dug it... please come back, as I try to be hysterical on occasion.

Anonymous said...

That was indeed one of the funniest posts. Uh...not that the others aren't

That was perfect.


A Lover and a Fighter said...

You're hysterical regularly, not just on occasion. How does one derive one's own nom-de-poon? All of those stupid formulas about first pets name and street on which you live and third grade teacher's sugar mama or whatever never work for me. Mine always ends up sounding like a Presbyterian church-attending attorney.

Please help.

Tara Shleser said...

I too tried the 'new' Dr. Pepper this past weekend. But only after a previous failed attempt at a chocolate flavored beverage that shouldn't have been: Rogue Chocolate Stout. Yes, that's correct - chocolate flavored beer. In my defence, I only considered it after I had consumed many, many other beers.

J-Money said...

keb- Perfect? Uh oh... I may have overachieved. I promise that won't happen again.

L&F- I think you've just got to create your own formula. I kind of like "favorite political figure + what you had for breakfast", which makes me Condoleeza McMuffin.

Tara- I hope the other beers you tried were all, um, beer-flavored.

CLARE. said...

Which flavor of Ice Breakers Ice Cubes did you get, peppermint or spearmint? Peppermint are tiny blocks of heaven, spearmint tastes like mint-flavored tire treads. The Raspberry Sorbet flavor is quite tasty, too.

tiff said...

gross, gross gross.

Also, funny.

beverly said...

Greetings from your old "book club" buddy.

I think I had a coupon for $1 to try that nasty crap. Wish I would have known that you'd be tempted. Yuck.

Totally OT: I noticed that we have a similar girlcrush on Diablo Cody (I saw one of your comments on her blog). Wasn't Juno the BEST? If you haven't done so already, go to the library and check out Candy Girl.

Hope you're doing well. :)

Maxie said... crack me up.

I once tried that Coke Black stuff the coffee and coke combined. It was DISGUSTING. Why can't these companies just stick to what works?

J-Money said...

Beverly- Drop me a note sometime... are you still at The Place We Do Not Speak Of?

Maxie- Agreed... Coke Blech tasted like coffee sludge and hobo tears.

Carey said...

I like the Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper and the Rogue Chocolate Stout. I don't love Berries & Cream, but I dig the Cherry Vanilla.