Thursday, February 28, 2008

Tiny Letters to Strangers, Volume 1

Dear Thirtysomethin' Mall Walker,

First, I appreciate your dedication to a fitness regimen, especially one that allows you to stop making laps long enough to purchase a candle the size of a tractor tire. I'm writing because your outfit was a bit unsettling to me and the other Food Court patrons. No, not because you'd wriggled yourself into spandex Under Armour separates that covered you from collarbone to calf--who among us doesn't dig seeing a woman in garments tight enough to showcase her endocrine glands? Speaking of which, we saw you ovulate somewhere between American Eagle and Old Navy.

No, Slim Goodbody, it's just that if you require a sweat-wicking fabric for an activity you can perform while simultaneously sipping an Orange Julius, perhaps you have some other issues that need to be addressed. Like a thyroid problem.

Respectfully yours,

J-Money
**********
Dear Guy Who Shouted Out His Car Window At Me While I Was Running,

I always appreciate it when passing drivers take the time to roll down their windows to yell at me, especially when it involves such subtle turns of phrase like "Don't stop, Saddlebags!" or "RUN, FORREST, RUN!" or "Stop pissing in my yard!". Your thoughtful suggestion to "Get on the fuckin' sidewalk!" yesterday was a new one, especially since the quiet residential neighborhood you were speeding through doesn't even have sidewalks, a detail you might have noticed if you could've seen through the giant American flag decal pasted on the rear window of your Isuzu Trooper.

Ignoring for a moment the subtle conflict between your Dollar General patriotism and your rusted Japanese car, let's focus instead on the reason why you'd be racing a qualifying lap down this street lined with swingsets and SLOW signs. It had to be something special, like the arrival of those gladiolus bulbs you'd ordered or because the library called to tell you that the Pearl S. Buck anthology was now available.

But back to your sticker. "These Colors Don't Run", it said. And from the look of the fleshy, fluid-retaining middle finger you extended in my direction, neither do you. Regardless, I understand your hurry and I apologize for making you swerve from the straight line you'd been driving down the center of the road. Had you not shown me the error of my ways, you would've spent the rest of the afternoon peeling pieces of me off your Bug Shield instead of savoring the saffron risotto you'd so lovingly prepared for your evening meal.

Admittedly I returned your gesture, although it wasn't evident since my little paws were swaddled in fleecy GapKids mittens so it probably looked like I was challenging you to some Far and Away-style fisticuffs. Not that you noticed, since you were probably lost in your own personal interpretation of the Jupiter Symphony.

Yours in Christ,

J-Money
**********
Dear Amanda Overmyer,

Your hair looks like Michigan's football helmet.

Fig. 1
That is all.

LYLAS,

J-Money
**********
Dear J-Money,

You either need to buy more toilet paper or install a bidet.

Peace,
J-Money

21 comments:

RazZDoodle said...

my favorite is the guy who, not only yelled at me, but took ANOTHER qualifying lap to yell at me again...at 6am. Wow.

You need to write for www.televisionwithoutpity.com

survivingmyself said...

hahaha - great stuff once again!

arbyn said...

The whole football helmet thing is spot on...

She was so scary looking I had to cover my eyes while she was singing.

"Make it stop!"

Mickey said...

That's the second Slim Goodbody reference in a blog I've read this week! I guess that's not as interesting as it sounded in my head.

I've only had one person in a car yell at me while I run, and one or two approving comments (middle-aged redneck women can be so flattering). As a dude, though, I fear I'm missing out on the excellent dialogue you must be enjoying with your fellow road users.

Ashley said...

i am not kidding you when i say that this post made my entire afternoon. i laughed heartily throughout the entire thing. i don't laugh heartily often.

i would like to say that the commentary on the guy who flipped you off was far & away my favorite. why is it always the asshats who have patriotic or Bush-supporting bumper stickers on their cars?

Felicia said...

I loved when Alaina burst into tears last night when she was eliminated. Another dream crushed.

SA said...

Hey, don't bring the Michigan helmet down to that chick's level.

Mallwalkers=right on. If they're gonna mall walk in an outfit not everyone should be wearing, I wish they would do it in the mornings when there are less people around. And by less people I mean me.

Vanilla said...

"we saw you ovulate somewhere between American Eagle and Old Navy"

LMFAO!

J-Money said...

Razzdoodle: It's never too early to be a douchecake, I guess.
And I would LOVE to write for that site. It's only a matter of time before they call.

Surviving: I'm just trying to keep up with you, my friend.

Arbyn: Whatever you do, avoid eye contact with her.

Mickey: I had a 2nd grade teacher whose face looked exactly like Slim Goodbody. The rest of her, notsomuch. For the record, I would yell at you. But nice things.

Ashley: I'm not sure, but I think Tobey Keith has something to do with it.

Felicia: Simon moisturizes his skin with broken dreams. I was kind of hoping she'd refuse to sing that Ballad of the Booted they make 'em do.

SA: I like the Mallwalkers who show up when the stores are still locked, like they're so hardcore they don't NEED JCPenney's approval.

Vanilla: My work here is done.

RazZDoodle said...

i really hope the douchecake was in reference to the driver and not me. That'd just wreck my soul.

J-Money said...

Razzdoodle: YES, I meant the driver!! Holy crap, you are awesome and in no way a douche-based pastry.

I heart you.

dmbmeg said...

This blog now makes my blog want to be a better blog. Sadly, my blog is lazy and enjoys pizza way too much to ever make something of itself.

Brilliant as always, J-Money.

Maxie said...

LYLAS cracked me up. for serious.

Hollywood Sucker said...

Perfectly hilarious. As always.

Dexter Colt said...

Once, when I was running, someone chucked a cup filled with ice out the window, and it clocked me straight in the back of the head. I prayed for a cement-truck to plow through that car, but it didn't happen. God hates me.

And, "Far and Away-style fisticuffs" made me laugh. I'm not sure why. I guess you're funny.

Merry said...

I always try to imagine that they're in such a hurry to pass me because they're racing home to take diphtheria medicine to a sick child before an epidemic breaks out.

And they're too poor to afford a therapist, so they work off their frustration by yelling at me to ride my bicycle on the sidewalk.

(I've never seen a sidewalk in the middle of an intersection, but clearly these people have seen things I haven't seen.)

Kayleigh said...

i had no idea that you saw me wearing my favorite underarmor jazzercise outfit in the mall the other day. i mean, it is really a crime that i enjoy doing pilates as i browse through the bargin bins at Sears? next time i go mallging (mall jogging to the lay person) i'll give you a call. i'll even lend you my favorite purple spandex pants.

and as far as the guy who yelled at you in the car....goodness gracious did that grind my gears. it makes me want to deflate his tires and shoot holes through his windshield with his favorite beebee gun.

and that girl is a dead ringer for the Michigan helmet. HOW EMBARRASSING. i hope she's reading this right now so she finally realizes that america thinks she's a crossbreed of skunk and football helmet.

i can't wait for the 'TLTS' Vo. 2

Ms. V. said...

OMG That is hilarious.

I love the GAPKIDS image! I got a dirty look from a chick on her cell phone. I was going across the crosswalk, and she needed to get through.

This was a great post. Thanks.

J-Money said...

dmbmeg: Oh pshaw, your blog is the coolest girl in school.

Maxie: But I DO love her like a sister.

Hollywood: It's no Volkswagen v. Hamper story though... THAT was HI-larious.

Dexter: I like to think that maybe you just didn't SEE the cement truck hit the car.

Merry: Diptheria is a possibility that I never considered, but I bet you're right. That's the only acceptable excuse.

Ms. V I hope she brought the entire Verizon network with her. No way they could all get through the crosswalk at once.

Hot Librarian said...

Dude, I had successfully blocked Slim Goodbody out of my memory. Thanks for bringing back that childhood trauma.

Texas Gal said...

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY DOESN'T THIS WOMAN HAVE A NATIONALLY SYNDICATED COLUMN?!? Sorry - those shouting caps just ran away from me there.

I agree with razzdoodle- what do we have to do to get you at TWoP?