Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Tiny Tidbits: Wednesday

1) I've had brainclouds all day today because I spent huge chunks of last night being battered by Pigpen's little feet. He was dreaming about something that made him go all World Cup on my kidneys, either chasing rabbits or--more likely--tearing up my shit. I'm certain that he can be destructive even when he's conked out. Unfortunately, he dreamjacked me again, tearing me away from my latest sleepytime lust object. This time it was one of my local news anchors. He was the last thing I saw before falling asleep, this perfect piece of Anchormeat--all porcelain veneers and Mattel hair--sending me off with the world's only bedtime story involving the phrases "recalled beef" and "gutter fire".

2) Why, if I'm wearing something other than pajamas and a snarl, don't Pigpen and I ever see any other people on our walks? If I've brushed my teeth, we roll out the door into I Am Legend, but this morning--when I looked like Nosferatu in a Gap scarf--Pigpen managed to attract the attention of a Clive Owen lookalike who was clutching a coffee and waiting to cross the street. I tried to turn away, in the hopes that maybe tomorrow I could make a first impression that didn't shriek "Good morning! My gums smell like coleslaw and mulch!" but walked directly into the branch of a recently-planted dogwood. Nothing says 'casual nonchalance' like screaming an obscenity as you remove a piece of bark from your cornea. I am never having sex again.

3) I had lunch at K.F. Chicken yesterday because I was craving crispy poultry and also because I hate myself. I walked in and took my place in line behind an elderly woman who seemed to be altogether unfamiliar with the menu, with the new horseless carriages, and with this magical land of "Ken Tucky" that they spoke of. I stood there watching as all of the fresh biscuits were bagged up and handed out through the drive thru window--leaving nothing but flour and fiberglass for me--and wondering if she was going to make a selection before her facial features slid completely off her skull. I could have unfurled her neck skin and used it as a Slip-N-Slide.

Miss Daisy finally bought some chicken and tentatively shuffled toward the bev dispenser. She stood in front of the Pepsi products, investigating her nasal passages with a Kleenex she'd conjured from somewhere in her sleeve like the world's shittiest magic trick. Sigh. I ordered my meal- two thighs and a leg (aka the Heather Mills Special) with macaroni and--whaaaaaat? The Colonel has decreed that you only get one extra now? No mashed with a side of mashed? I don't understand why this decision was made but I'm sure it's not because of health concerns. This is a place that uses the 'bucket' as a serving size.

4) I watched four miles worth of VH1 Classic while I treadmilled today. After the Rod Stewart Rock Block (which is probably how he refers to his penis) there were back-to-back-to-back commercials for eDiets, Tostitos, and Taco Bell, so the target audience is apparently people who need to lose weight and also people who like to smoke pot.

This was my favorite video because I both like the song and Rowdy Roddy spends five minutes wearing his "Ellen DeGeneres: The Early Years" costume. And because it looks like the director just said "Fuck it, let's use ALL the special effects!" And because I have those same slip-on Keds.

5) Of course I tuned in to American Idol--just to feed my Cowell crush--but did not dig his new haircut. It makes his head look like a can. A friend and I had a running textplanation of the ep... here are the highlights:

Him: Paula's outfit is so shiny. She's going to attract raccoons.

Me: I think Robbie Carrico sold me a burrito at a Widespread show.
Him: Axl Rose just called. He wants his head back.
Me: It's like he raided the closets of Brett Michaels and Aunt Jemima.

[on Danny Noriega]
Me: Is this Tegan or Sara?
Him: Both.

Me: Paula said he made her hear colors? What's in that cup she's sizzipping?
Him: Maybe Robbie sold her something.
Me: Why is Randy wearing beaded friendship bracelets?
Him: Maybe Robbie sold him something.

Me: I don't understand this commercial. "I must have sent a picture when I was high!" A picture of what, herself eating a bag of Cool Ranch and arguing about the best Genesis album?
Me: It's "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway", btw.
Him: The hell it is.
Him: "Selling England By the Pound", biznacho.
Me: We are no longer friends.
Me: And...biznacho?

[on Luke Menard]
Him: Nice tug on the hoodie to emphasize the "going where the weather suits my cloooothes" line.
Him: "Get the hood. There's a 40% chance of wind, rain & Hollister."


Maxie said...

Paula gets stranger and stranger every freakin episode. i don't get it. lol

J-Money said...

No kidding. I don't understand her outfits either. Last night she was dressed like Harlequin.

Laura said...

That commercial kills me. I've seen it a hundred times, and yet every time, I think it's a cell phone commercial for how great camera phones are for spreading gossip.

J-Money said...

I wish we'd had cameraphones when I was in high school. That would've been so much easier than Sharpie-ing the bathroom walls with dirty facts about Stacy Redding.

survivingmyself said...

i agree, it is clear now that we are all witnessing the end of paula abdul.

Two steps forward Paula?

I think not.

Hollywood Sucker said...

That was too funny. I thought really hard about which was my favorite line of this whole thing. I settled on "I had lunch at K.F. Chicken yesterday because I was craving crispy poultry and also because I hate myself."

J-Money said...

Surviving: I cannot wait for the MC Scat Cat-led intervention

Hollywood: Thank you... I'm considering having that embroidered on a pillow. :)

Vanilla said...

I LOVE that you verbed the word treadmill.

Kayleigh said...

this line is what started my laughter: 'He was dreaming about something that made him go all World Cup on my kidneys, either chasing rabbits or--more likely--tearing up my shit.'

and then i didn't stop laughing. at all. i wish we lived in the same town, because i would show up at your house like a stalker and play with pigpen and we could walk around and be awkward together. ok i sound like a stalker.

and what is your secret to running for over 3 miles at a time? i need major help here...

Meghan said...

My first visit here, and I serously cannot stop laughing. Never thought about the 'bucket' as a meal size.

Meghan said...


J-Money said...

Vanilla: I swear I thought I got that word from you.

Kayleigh: We would hang out ALL. THE. TIME. And, seriously, the key is just to run those 3 miles. Then gradually add a mile. Then add another. Nobody's born to run, except Kenyans and Bruce Springsteen.

Meghan: Thanks for visiting! Please come back! There will be punch & pie.

Reluctant Runner said...

Hilarious, as always, J-Money.

And thanks for The Rod video. Weird how he can't dance. He seems to possess no sense of rhythm at all. What a train wreck. I think I have to watch it again.