Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Careless Whisper

As you know, I spend huge chunks of my day giving to others eating candy and drawing pictures of sea monsters. Other than that (and making sure that the house is always tidy, in case Hugh Laurie would swing by for Uncrustables and sex), the only thing on my agenda is to catch Nat Geo's daily airing of "The Dog Whisperer".

The more I watch that show, the more I'm convinced that Cesar Millan is some kind of camp shirt-wearing wizard. Somehow within the time wedged between two Avodart commercials* he can transform a destructive beast who has eaten enough end tables to shit out an Ashley Furniture showroom into a submissive, respectful pet who not only ignores the sofa but has also prepared the evening meal. From scratch.

The downside to prolonged D-Whisp viewing is that it makes me feel increasingly like the Lynne Spears of Dog Moms, watching helplessly as Pigpen tears through my home haphazardly, leaving a trail of teethmarks in his wake. I have tried Cesar's Shhht! (TM) sound on multiple occasions and Pigpen usually responds by burying his teeth in my knuckles while demanding that I buy him a pack of Camels and a four wheeler.

The results are always the same and dedicated viewers (The Cesarians? The Millanaires? The Single Woman at Home on a Friday Night Watching the New Episode and Sobbing Uncontrollably, Coating Her Chicken Pot Pie With a Thin Layer of Tears?) will note that the beleaguered humans baked into each episode usually fall into one of these categories:

1) The Family Who Brought This On Themselves: Including my favorite subgenre, the people whose solution to training difficulties is to overwhelm the dog with rewards. The pup pissed on Aunt Evelyn? Give him a treat while you Lysol her legs! He aerated the ottoman with his front paws? Treat! Little Mittens killed a drifter? Have a Nylabone while Momma wipes this blood off her Precious Moments.

2) The People Who Wou--Wait, Is That A Fountain?: At least once an ep, Cesar rolls his Jeep Liberty into the drive of some hot address in the 310** and I inevitably stop giving a shit about Baxter the Pug's leash issues and focus instead on the marble floors, the swans, and whether Baxter's daddy is wearing a wedding band. The disturbing part? The swankest cribs are always inhabited by people who don't seem to have jobs.

I KNOW. I'm unemployed too, but I'm also lucky enough to have a landlord who popped me out of her uterus. If my parents didn't let me pay the rent with popsicle sticks and pieces of Laffy Taffy, Pigpen and I would be huddled together for warmth in the Wendy's parking lot, wondering if their fish filet was still considered "premium" after gestating in the dumpster for two days.

3) The Lesbians: Join us for another chapter from the continuing saga of "Cuddles Has Two Mommies".

While I'm not quite ready to dial up the D-O-Double G Whisperer, my li'l Puppy Genius spent this morning eating a zipper*** and trying to pick up a sunbeam with his teeth. My biggest complaint is the way he continues to slamdance into my neighbors like an overzealous Screaming Trees fan, causing some people in the building to give us the stinkyeye and others to avoid us altogether.

Over the weekend, he threw himself into one woman on the elevator, causing her still-steaming mochaccino to rain down all over her white coat. I apologized profusely and offered to write her a check for her dry cleaning (even though it would bounce like fucking Gusto Gummi) but I was secretly delighted by the possible demise of her redonkulous knee-high fuzzy fur boots which made her look look like she'd just shoved each foot through an Ewok's skull.

Maybe I'm the one who needs a good Whisperin'.

Regardless, Cesar's Way hasn't exactly gotten it done, so now whenever The Pig crosses a line, I respond by shaming him. That's right.

He's going to wear that Thriller tee and sit in the corner thinking about what he has done. Until then, he can forget about that four-wheeler.

*WOMEN SHOULD NOT HANDLE AVODART. WOMEN SHOULD AVOID STARING DIRECTLY AT AVODART. AVODART MAY SUDDENLY ACCELERATE TO DANGEROUS SPEEDS.
**Rocks his khakis with a cuff and a crease? Check. Love for the streets reppin' 2-1-3? Nope.
*** Ensuring that I'll spend two days Temperance Brennan-ing his buttnuggets and hoping to find that missing piece of YKK-stamped metal.

26 comments:

MizFit said...

lynne spears of dog moms?

comedy gold.

(my bullmastiff claims Im more the Orange Oprah of dog moms)

MizFit

Miss Kate said...

You did study up on boxers before buying one... right?

My parents had a boxer, and she was mucho energetic too. He's a boxer puppy! He's supposed to be... vivacious! He, unlike Britney, will grow out of it.

Mike said...

Hugh Laurie called; he wants his rediculous t-shirt back for the next episode of House, which is set to air sometime in the next 6-7 years. That writer's strike seems to have transcended it's actual duration, and collapsed the entire IDEA of scheduling television. Even Caesar Chavez—or whatever—wil soon be doing the timeslot boxstep, you'll see.

Dexter Colt said...

...redonkulous knee-high fuzzy fur boots which made her look look like she'd just shoved each foot through an Ewok's skull.

You're my hero.

Boxers aren't the brightest dogs, but they're geniuses compared to beagles. Cesar would fail miserably with my dumb dog. You might be onto something with this shaming technique.

Alya said...

aaaw! The puppy eyes! Was he being punished? He sure looks like it!

pinkjellybaby said...

there really is only one thing i can say:

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

that dog is so cute!

J-Money said...

mizfit: I still don't understand how you share your home with a dog that large. I'm not sure he would fit in my town.

miss kate: I all kinds of Amazon-ing and reading tons of illustrated Boxer books so yeah, I brought this on myself.

mike: If Hugh Laurie ever left a garment in my home, you can guarantee that he would never get it back.

dexter: I can't believe that any pup that adorable would be less than brilliant. Besides, Snoopy was really smart. He could dance.

alya: Wearing the Michael Jackson shirt was punishment enough.

pinkjellybaby: He thinks you're cute too.

Are You Willing to Change? said...

Very cute dog...I've always wanted a boxer!

Meredith said...

I often find myself clutching my miniature dachshund to my chest and weeping during the Saturday afternoon airings of the Dog Whisperer. After my Saturday morning long runs and late morning trips to the dog park with Emma (the dachshund) I collapse on the couch and am entranced by Cesar. Your analysis of the show is spot on and quite hilarious.

Meghan said...

Your dog is soo freaking cute. If I could I'd mate him with my cat and have the world's cutest catdog ever. Damn genetics.

RazZDoodle said...

Ewoks are surprisingly malleable with the right footwear.

Vanilla said...

That is a cute dog, but PETA's going to be all over you for making him wear a Thriller Tee. That's abuse.

surviving myself said...

i'm telling you, pigpen and jack would be the ultimate challenge for Cesar.

We need to both bombard his inbox until he comes and trains our dogs.

pigpen is cute!

Kayleigh said...

My Pigpen prayers have been answered!!! His Thriller tee is pretty rockin'. If you are going to punish him with anything Michael Jackson, may as well make it from MJ's glory days.

Boxers are the cutest. Pigpen looks like he knows how to work a room with those sweet sorrowful "I'm sorry mom" eyes. Loves it.

J-Money said...

are you willing...: For serious, if you ever do get a Boxer, be ready to spend lots and lots of time working with the little guy. And stringing together phrases held together by nothing but curse words.

merideth: I haven't ruled out the possibility that Cesar can also control us through the tee vee.

megan: Stupid genetics, robbing us of the ability to have the live-action version of a Nicktoon.

razzdoodle: It worries me that you know that.

vanilla: No, abuse is when I wrap him in the New Kids shirt.

surviving: Maybe Cesar would give us a 2 for 1 deal. We would so be his downfall. And that, my friend, means ratings.

J-Money said...

Pigpen looks like he knows how to work a room

kayleigh: I'm going to try to have this added to his AKC paperwork. Awesomesauce.

Mickey said...

It has never occurred to me to slam dance to Screaming Trees. At least not since 1994.

Your pop-culture name dropping is spot-on as always. It's a gift.

Don't worry, I'll eventually quit leaving such effusive compliments and just leave snarky, off-topic comments once the honeymoon is over.

RazZDoodle said...

damnit! Now I have 'Careless Whisper' in my head. this means war.

tiff said...

um, you didn't quit ladies dot dot did you?

tmamone said...

I love the Dog Whisperer! It's actually helped me and my parents with of the issues we've had with our dog. My mom says, "See? Caeser knows what he's talking about."

mindy said...

Awesome T-shirt. Why isn't Michael Jackson's face on more dog shirts?

Also, holy baby Jesus you are funny.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

My dog, Mike, and I were the first people (team, i guess) in the history of doggie kindegarten (at least OUR doggie kindergarten) to fail out. The owner wrote us a check for a full refund. Mikey couldn't stay awake in class and I teared up everytime she tried to make me be firm with him. He'd had such a hard life! He didn't need that voice from me!!!

I prefer the episodes where Cesar brings his family in to the mix. I don't mean his dog compound pups, I mean his wife and children. That is real entertainment.

jen said...

I hate myself for not finding your blog sooner!

PS You are faster than me.

Perfectly Shelly said...

Yea, your dog is really cute. My dog is cute too. He's so cute that we have to take him to the vet tomorrow to SEDATE his 14 lb ass to clip his dew claw that he tore. Without being sedated his 14 lb ass would seriously maim someone. Even Cesar Milan.

J-Money said...

mickey: This honeymoon is going to last FOREVER!

razz: Guilty feet have got no rhythm, yo.

tiff: No! I should be posting there again soon. Maybe today.

tmamone: Maybe you and your mom should help me train Pigpen.

mindy: Let's start a brand of Jacko dog gear, with red leather collars and edible nose treats.

a lover...: Fell asleep during class? What kind of doggie is Mikey? Also, YES, when Cesar lets Australian shepherds jump over his kids, it's beautiful.

jen: But you're cooler.

shelly: They'd have to sedate me too.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

See, Mikey don't say who his daddy is. He's a mutt if I've ever seen one. I'm guessing border collie/chow, maybe some shepherd thrown in.

He's adorable. I have oodles of pictures if you ever want to see one. Though, like Pigpen, he subscribes to the Shiva School of Positive Destruction. I can't have nice things.