Monday, March 10, 2008

Dr. Phil Haiku #31-35

On Monday's episode:
The Bishop says "Be
Abstinent!". What he means is
"Be unpopular!"

Your virginity
Means you're pure. It could also
Mean that you're ugly.

He says not to give
Condoms to teens. Hope their schools
Have day-care centers.

On Tuesday's episode...
"The Dr. Phil House"
These couples should be eaten
By scorpions. Ugh.

None of them should get
Married. But all of them should
Be spayed or neutered.

Failed country singer.
Long on hair, short on talent
That could be a song!

On Wednesday's episode...
Identity thief
He should have also stolen
A clean pair of pants

I may try this crime.
From now on, I'd like you all
To call me Oprah.

On Thursday's episode...
She dressed too sexy
For Southwest Airlines. But just
Right for Greyhound Bus.

The offensive part?
She's thirty and still shopping
At Hollister. Ew.

Screaming toddler kicked
Off plane. This never happens
If they're beside me.

Parents and plane could
Have compromised. Put the kid
In overhead bin.

On Friday's episode...
More sex offenders.
In my head, all of them look
Like Steve Buscemi.

Online map will show
If one lives on your street. So
Don't trick or treat there.


Mickey said...

Have you considered compiling these for a book? I'm only half kidding.

And thanks again for keeping me from having to actually watch the Phil.

CLARE. said...

Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say about Steve Buscemi. Use instead.


nancypearlwannabe said...

I think I love haikus. Especially yours.

surviving myself said...

aw man, leave buscemi alone, he was cool in reservoir dogs. and... well, reservoir dogs was awesome.

notice the new blogger profile? I'm high tech now.

Kayleigh said...

I think that this set of Dr. P haikus are my favorite. When I read Monday's, I literally laughed so hard (at work) and practically choked on my coffee. Brilliant.

Ashley said...

you REALLY should put together a collection of these.

dmbmeg said...

I did a search of the sex offenders a few months back. I was less bothered by the fact I live near registered sex offenders, but more the fact they live in better neighborhoods than myself.


Mjones said...

A girl I went to high school with just got engaged to a Steve Buscemi lookalike. I should send her the link to that wesbite.

J-Money said...

mickey: Hmm...maybe when I get to 100. If my brain hasn't liquified by then.

clare: I was SO thinking of that movie when I wrote these. Jackie Earl Haley had too many syllables though.

nancypearlwannabe: If I were more clever, I would thank you via haiku.

surviving: Niiiice with the profile! Also, Big Lebowski. Shut the fuck up, Donnie.

kayleigh: When we hang out every day, I'll buy you a new coffee.

ashley: Hmm...that's two of you encouraging me...

dmbmeg: No kidding, I'm totally afraid to search my neighborhood...

mjones: Honestly, I have no followup comment. Wow.

Princess Pointful said...

I am a little torn here.
I adore haikus, yet hate Dr. Phil with a passion.
Such painful ambivalence!

Are You Willing to Change? said...

So funny...Thanks!

surviving myself said...

just fucking kill me. please. I can't believe I forgot that he was in big lebowksi. That's only my favorite comedy of all time. I don't deserve to live.

Birdwatching From Mars said...

my wife works as a behavior specilaist in a ghetto-ish school. Believe me, they DO have's called kindergarten. gah.

mindy said...

How long did these take you? Holy hell. You've got mad Haiku Skillz.

(When it's with a "z" that means extra skilled).

Maxie said...

"Hope their schools have day-care centers" made me laugh very, very hard.... cause it's so true.

Mickey said...

The sex offender map is blocked by my system administrator at work. Do they want me to get raped on my way home? I did ride my bike today...

Deutlich said...

yeah, uhm... I loathe Hollister. Seriously.