Monday, March 17, 2008

Dr. Phil Haiku #36-40

On Monday's episode...
Sixteen and married.
High school dropout from the South.
Stereotypes work.

Says she makes adult
Decisions. Most adults choose
To have two eyebrows.

On Tuesday's episode...
Do we really need
Paparazzi? Yes! To show
How stars are like us!

Phil says paps photo
Him too. Only for Star's "Best
Beach Bodies" issue.

On Wednesday's episode...
She hasn't had an
Orgasm in ten years. Must
Be dating my ex.

He had heart attack
During sex. Maybe the bag
Slipped off his wife's head.

She has sex six times
A day. Normal? If she works
In a brothel, yes.

Audience member
Asks how to tighten her vag.
Stop having children.

On Thursday's episode...
Paternity tests!
Sorry Phil. Only Maury
Says "Not the father".

I should send my birth
Control pills to these women.
I don't need them. Weep.

On Friday's episode...
Girls kicked off Southwest
Flight. Say they were too pretty.
Right. Pretty bitchy.

Eighth grader started
A "No Cussing" club. What a
Fucking dumb idea.


Mickey said...

Basho had nothing on you.

Haiku was obviously invented to capture the essence of Dr. Phil and not, as most assume, the beauty of nature. Fuck nature; embrace dysfunction.

Mike said...

One of your most sardonic and misanthropist posts yet. I love you.
Also: you bring the funk.
Thank you.

Are You Willing to Change? said...

I really enjoy these posts...Thanks!

J-Money said...

mickey: You just received commenter Hall of Fame honors for namechecking Basho. Well done.

mike: Oh yeah. I'm bringing surly back.

are you willing...: No, thank you for validating my decision to watch 300 minutes of Dr. Phil per week.

Mini said...

Here's something sure to depress:
"Q: My husband and I are in our 70s and have been married forever. I have had a problem with vaginal dryness. My husband read about muira puama and bought some online. I take it as directed twice a day, and we make love at least five times a week."

Taken from today's "People's Pharmacy" column. Weep.

Haiku, please.

aarontodd said...

These are great... keep it up, no matter how painful it may be to watch... your imagery is so vivid, that I don't even have to watch the shows... Thanks.

Katelin said...

Haha, love this post. So funny. My fave is the paternity test one, that really is a Maury only category, haha.

Perfectly Shelly said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that DVR's Dr. Phil, only to watch his shows and shake my head in absolute wonderment. And not GOOD wonderment.

Does ANYONE ever notice that he ALWAYS says he'll tell us ALL what he thinks 'after the break', then never follows through? It pisses me off.

Dexter Colt said...

Not a fan of Dr. Phil or haikus. But, strangely, when you mix them...not so bad.

MizFit said...


spit my coffee out on that one.


Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

I am more than slightly in love with the Dr. Phil haiku.

MsPuddin said...

How to tighten your vagina 101:

step one- keep legs closed

that is all...

Yo said...

holeee crap... i don't know how i came across your blog. but when i did the skies parted and i laughed so hard my eyes watered and i farted.

i tried finding the post about there will be blood... i cannot tell you how freaking hard i giggled maniacally to myself.... there will be PARAKEETS?? who writes that?

you funny, lady. keep it up.

Moxie said...

oh, you. Loved the Maury one especially, and the ex. My boy wrote a post about the Southwest girls, it's titled "Giggling Skanks."

J-Money said...

mini: I don't know whether to throw up or send them some kind of award. Or to curl into a ball and cry, which is pretty much my default response to everything.

aarontodd: My dream is for everyone to stop watching, getting all of their Phil phixin's through my haiku.

katlin: If he touches Teen Boot Camps, I'm going after him.

perfectly shelly: You and I are probably the only two viewers who realize that he leaves us hanging like a cheap pinata. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

dexter: Sort of like Kriss Kross. They don't have that kind of power when you separate Daddy Mack (Dr. Phil) and Mack Daddy (haiku).

mizfit: Put the coffee on my tab.

joy: Yessss!

mspuddin: step one- keep legs closed That's the right number of syllables and everything. Why didn't I think of that?

yo: Glad you stopped by. Please come back. Everyone will have name tags and donut holes.

moxie: That sums them up perfectly.